The Real Reason You Can’t Quit Porn

“That’s it,” he said. “I’m done with porn.” We’d sat in the same two chairs in my church office and had this same conversation many times—so many times that I had my doubts.

Why does repentance often fall flat? One moment, a man can’t see why he’d ever commit a particular sin again. A few moments later, he’s committing it. A string of defeats soon leaves him hopelessly asking, “Why can’t I just stop?”

In my years of counseling and helping young men turn from using pornography, I’ve found that one problem is a weak view of repentance. We think it’s simple: Just stop sinning. But when the Lord works repentance in his people, he turns our whole hearts. Repentance doesn’t just bring new actions but pointed feelings, changed desires, and a fresh outlook. What does it mean to heed God’s call to “return to [him] with all your heart” (Joel 2:12)?

Open Eyes to See Sin

When God’s call to turn first reaches us, it finds us in rough shape: “He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, lest they see with their eyes, and understand with their heart, and turn” (John 12:40). We don’t naturally turn from sin, because we don’t see sin to turn from. But the Lord sends his Word “to open [our] eyes, so that [we] may turn” (Acts 26:18). Like the Prodigal Son, we come to ourselves (Luke 15:17). Then, we can say with open eyes, “I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me” (Ps. 51:3). Repentance turns us from blindness to seeing sin clearly.

When I’m helping a young man put porn use behind him, I first want to know how clearly he sees his sin. Is it a big deal to him, or is he compartmentalizing, walking through his day without feeling the weight of what he’s doing at night? Can he admit his wrong with honest words like “I used a video of a complete stranger for selfish pleasure”? Whatever the sin, the first question to ask is “Do you see it clearly?”

Enjoyment Turned to Sorrow

Scripture says we don’t merely commit sins, we “glory in [our] shame” (Phil. 3:19), boasting like a king while our sin reduces us to beasts (Ps. 73:22). But like the tax collector and Ezra, both of whom wouldn’t lift their eyes to heaven, a repentant man senses the shame of what he’s done (Ezra 9:6; Luke 18:13). This is the path home, for a “broken and contrite heart” the Lord “will not despise” (Ps. 51:17; see 38:18). Repentance trades boasting and enjoyment of sin for shame and sorrow over it.

Like the tax collector and Ezra, both of whom wouldn’t lift their eyes to heaven, a repentant man senses the shame of what he’s done.

Men turning from pornography use typically have no trouble sensing the shame of it. But because the sin promises fleeting delusions of glory and power, feeling ashamed can make the sin all the more tempting. To repent, you must instead bring your shame to the Lord. Go to the heavenly temple, beat your chest, and weep in his arms. Let the Lord lift your head and justify you.

Ignited Zeal

When the Lord corrects his people, he calls us to “be zealous and repent” (Rev. 3:19). The admonished Corinthians do just that, moving Paul to exclaim, “What zeal!” (2 Cor. 7:11). Repentance leaves behind defeated lethargy and burns for holiness.

Like finishing a long run by tripping on the sidewalk, falling into sin after a long battle can knock the breath out of you. To strive for holiness, you’ll have to “lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees” (Heb. 12:12–14). With God’s help, you can crucify sin. But you must ignite the flame of zeal and keep it burning through the dark night of temptation.

Trust in God’s Mercy

When we feel the weight of our sin, our doubts can make us despair: How could I possibly earn God’s favor now? But the prophets call us to return to the Lord because he will “have compassion” on us and “abundantly pardon” (Isa. 55:7). A repentant heart, despite feeling sin’s weight, trusts that God is as merciful as he says he is. Like David, it asks for forgiveness not according to how hard we’re trying but “according to [God’s] steadfast love” (Ps. 51:1).

After seeing the sin’s ugliness and feeling its shame, do you still trust God to forgive you? Your answer reveals whether you’ll run to the Lord, hesitate, or run from him.

Lowered Defenses

Hiding silently pretends nothing is wrong, and defensiveness loudly insists you’re right. But confession admits you’re wrong and God is right. It looks at the Scriptures that condemn our sin and says the Lord is “justified in [his] words and blameless in [his] judgment” (Ps. 51:4).

Is the Lord right to say that lustful looking is heart-adultery (Matt. 5:28)? Is your friend right to ask about your internet history? Your reaction when confronted will tell you whether your heart seeks holiness or is defending itself.

Repayment Feels Small

Zacchaeus’s pledge when he repents is striking. Not only does he promise to give back four times what he’s taken, but he also gives away half the riches he’s earned fairly (Luke 19:8–9; see Eph. 4:28). Repayment and generosity felt like a small matter because his heart has turned from greed. This is one way wholehearted repentance manifests itself. Selfishness turns to generosity.

For a man turning from porn, this means changing how you see women. Sin trains you to take, but the Lord calls you to protect, serve, and give. The first thing your eyes should notice is what she may need from you (a door opened, help moving, your jacket). Married men need to consider the heavy cost their sin has placed on their wives. Has your deception eroded trust in your relationship? Have unrealistic standards left her feeling objectified? Has betrayal left her unsure of her own beauty? A repentant husband will work to make her rich in what she’s lost.

Sin trains you to take, but the Lord calls you to protect, serve, and give.

It’s only when our whole hearts turn from sin that we “bear fruits” (Luke 3:8) in our conduct, “performing deeds in keeping with [our] repentance” (Acts 26:20). Young man, if the outward fruit isn’t there, look inward. Do you see the sin clearly, with all its ugliness? Have you shed tears of sorrow and shame in the Lord’s arms? Is there zeal, faith, confession, and generosity? To see consistent fruit, you must repent with a whole heart.