How I Became A Better Church Member After My Friend’s Adultery

A friend of mine committed adultery last year. I sobbed for hours the night she confessed at a midweek church gathering, because I knew her life—and our congregation—would be forever changed. She and I began meeting weekly to read Scripture and pray together, and although she would say I’m discipling her, I’ve learned so much through our relationship.

Her situation pointed me to a disturbing problem: Local churches don’t always feel like safe places to confess sin. In many ways, Christians can struggle to extend to others the grace we’ve received in Christ. Navigating adultery in my church has helped me see three things we must commit to as church members if we want our local congregations to be the gospel communities Scripture calls us to be.

Draw One Another Out in Love

It’s often difficult to know how much to pry into other believers’ lives. When someone claims to be too busy for Bible reading, misses several church services in a row, or complains about her marriage, we often assume a quick, silent prayer is a sufficient response. But assumptions can be dangerous, and overlooked private sins can eventually devastate entire congregations.

My friend’s affair began with an innocent text message but resulted in crushing consequences for her family and our church. I had opportunities to intervene. When she was crying during the Lord’s Supper, I assumed she was moved by the sermon after struggling through a challenging week. But I didn’t follow up. And when I saw her hysterically sobbing outside our pastor’s office, I asked if she was OK but shrugged off her evasive response.

Assumptions can be dangerous, and overlooked private sins can eventually devastate entire congregations.

It’s wise to consider the depth of a relationship before asking heart-level questions, but we can’t limit our spiritual care to our closest friends. Scripture commands the local church to be involved in one another’s lives (Luke 17:3; Heb. 3:13). The difficult conversation you pursue might make all the difference. My friend recently said that if I’d questioned her vague response that day, she would have confessed the affair instead of letting it continue.

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” It takes time and consideration to ask meaningful questions in a loving way. Unfortunately, the prevalence of quick, surface-level conversations in passing on Sunday mornings can give the impression that Christians must “have it all together.” A better option might be forgoing multiple brief chats and instead spending more time speaking with one person about how her week was or what God has been teaching her through her personal time in the Word.

To develop a church culture where regular repentance is the norm, we have to be willing to ask people good questions that provide a safe environment for confessing sin.

Understand Our Ongoing Struggle with Sin

Christians are quick to confess what we commonly call “respectable” sins. But the sin of adultery isn’t one of those. Scripture is clear about the heinousness of sexual immorality, which can make a believer hesitant to confess it and fellow church members unsure how to receive such a confession.

The Bible is honest about the grievous failings of believers. David, the “man after [God’s] own heart” (1 Sam. 13:14) eyed a married woman, sent messengers to bring her to his room, impregnated her, and then ensured her husband’s death (2 Sam. 11). Before this uncharacteristic fall, David had been walking with God. So we must understand that Christians can sin in horrible ways. Not only will this perspective help us respond with grace when grave sin is exposed, but it might also allow us to recognize warning signs in struggling church members.

My friend’s adultery reminded me that though the Holy Spirit lives within us, our battle with sin will persist until Christ returns (Rom. 7:19–25). We’re all capable of much deeper sin than we think we are, and it’s prideful to call a repentant Christian’s spiritual condition into question simply because we haven’t committed the sin she confessed.

In Jesus’s parable of two men praying, he didn’t commend the Pharisee who bragged of being better than an adulterer (Luke 18:11). Instead, Jesus commended the tax collector who prayed, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner” (v. 13). Honestly considering our ongoing struggles with sin cultivates humility and allows us to respond with compassion and care when egregious behavior is exposed in the church.

Receive Repentant Sinners Back into Community

After my friend repented, many people rejected her or simply ignored her pleas for reconciliation. Perhaps this response stemmed from a misinterpretation of Scripture.

In Matthew 18, the passage most closely associated with church discipline, the people of the church are instructed to treat an unrepentant member as a “Gentile and a tax collector” (v. 17). And in 1 Corinthians 5:9–13, Paul explains that we shouldn’t associate with sexually immoral church members. “Do not even eat with such people,” he says (v. 11, NIV). However, in both these passages, the sinful church member is unrepentant. A repentant sinner is to be forgiven and welcomed back into good standing with the congregation.

James 5:19–20 provides wisdom for helping fellow church members when they sin: “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” God uses us, his people, to help each other persevere in faithfulness.

When someone wanders and commits grievous sin but repents and turns back to God and the church, we have an opportunity to demonstrate the gospel’s depth by drawing the repentant sinner closer and holding more tightly than we ever did before. We mustn’t leave people alone in their struggle for holiness. By receiving back a repentant sinner, we tangibly demonstrate the gospel and reflect Christ’s heart.

God uses us, his people, to help each other persevere in faithfulness.

Though my friend’s adultery brought hardship into her life and the life of our church, the Lord has been faithful to bring about good amid this trial. By God’s grace, she has reconciled with her husband, and they’re flourishing in the body of Christ. And this difficult season has changed the way I view my responsibility to fellow church members. By drawing one another out, understanding our own ongoing struggle with sin, and learning to receive repentant sinners, we can make our churches safe gospel communities where broken people collectively fight for perseverance in the faith.