Escape The Little Hell Of Porn

Log in, click, click, click . . . indulge, delete history, pretend it didn’t happen, burn with shame, promise never again, punish yourself, feel tempted again, despair . . . log in, click, click, click, indulge, delete history . . .

The fight against a pornography addiction can be exhausting and overwhelming. In East of Eden, John Steinbeck refers to lust as “that little hell” that we pretend doesn’t exist but that renders us “completely helpless” when we’re caught up in it.

How do you escape that little hell?

Here are three strategies we tend to think help (but don’t) and three we tend to neglect (but really work).

1. Self-Hatred Won’t Help; Grace Will

I became a Christian in high school and carried my porn habit with me like a bucket of slugs. I knew it was gross, but I couldn’t stop. While I hated porn, I hated the part of me that loved it even more. In flurries of self-loathing, I’d take dramatic action. It never lasted. Lava flows of self-hatred eventually cool into numb, cold stone.

Hating yourself in the aftermath of habitual sin feels so right because it feels so close to repentance. But it isn’t. Judas hated himself for his sin, but he didn’t repent. What’s the difference between self-hatred and repentance? Real repentance begins with what the sinful woman in Luke 7 does as she weeps over Jesus’s feet. She’s aware of her sin, so she weeps. But she’s also aware of her Savior, so she brings her tears to him.

Jesus invites any and all—addicts and cowards and creeps—to himself with this promise: If you bring your sins to me, you’ll find free and total forgiveness here. Those who are forgiven much, Jesus tells us, love much (v. 47). The woman’s sins “are many” (v. 47). And so are mine. So are yours. Yet Jesus’s words to the woman are the same he pronounces over anyone who comes with a broken, contrite heart: “Your sins are forgiven” (v. 48).

Self-hatred creates a barrier between you and Jesus because it prevents you from bringing your sins to him. It’s a form of self-salvation, self-atonement. But your only hope of victory over this sin is through the help Jesus offers. Sins you refuse to bring to Jesus for forgiveness are sins that continue to control you.

2. Silver Bullets Won’t Help; Endurance Will

I’ve been helped by an analogy I once read in an article: We often hear that repentance literally means to “turn around.” This makes repentance sound simple, like walking down the street. Just stop and turn around.

But what if, in the analogy, you aren’t walking but riding a bike? Turning around takes a little more time. What if you’re driving a car? That’s even more complicated. What if you’re piloting a supertanker? It may be miles before the ship can even slow to a stop, let alone begin the process of turning around.

Self-hatred creates a barrier between you and Jesus because it prevents you from bringing your sins to him.

Some stubborn sins may linger for years before victory is found. If you’ve been submerged in porn, its gravitational pull likely won’t stop overnight. Maybe it will. I’ve heard stories of men who have had exceptional turnarounds in the transformation of their desires. But for most, the fight against lust will be a lifelong battle of turning the ship around, of detoxing your brain and unlearning the habits you’ve formed.

If you’re hoping to find a silver-bullet fix that will delete your porn addiction as simply as you can delete your browsing history, you’ll be disappointed. I’m a firm believer in Jesus’s dictum about cutting off hands and plucking out eyes (Matt. 5:29–30). If you can’t access the internet without accessing pornography, then you shouldn’t have access to the internet. Buy a dumb phone. Sell your laptop and put a desktop in your family room. Put accountability software on your devices. Read John Owen’s Mortification of Sin. Do whatever it takes to cut opportunities for sin out of your life.

But, in God’s mysterious providence, he has determined not to make repentance as simple as an eye blink. All of life, Martin Luther famously wrote, is to be a perpetual act of repentance. Don’t despair when the silver bullet doesn’t drop the monster of lust. You’ll need many bullets. You’ll need endurance. Which is why we must remember the grace offered to us in Christ.

In a letter to a struggling friend, C. S. Lewis wrote,

I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience etc doesn’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes are airing in the cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present to us: it is the [very] sign of His presence.

3. Isolation Won’t Help; Church Will

I’ve been a Christian longer than I haven’t. I’ve been a pastor, a youth pastor, a small group leader, and an accountability partner to more men than I can count—and every single man I’ve spoken with about this has a history of porn use. I’ve never met a man who hasn’t viewed pornography at some point in his life. For some, it was a solitary island in a sea of purity. For others, the islands are their purity; the sea is porn.

Don’t despair when the silver bullet doesn’t drop the monster of lust. You’ll need many bullets. You’ll need endurance.

Despite porn’s ubiquity, many in its grip pull away from confessing their sins to others. They may even keep the community of the church at arm’s length for fear of their hidden vice, “that little hell,” being found out.

When I found a small group of other young men who were willing to be honest, it felt like great blasts of light broke through a dark canopy: I’m not the only one? We met weekly for accountability, and it proved enormously life-giving. Accountability groups can be better or worse, but at a bare minimum, we’re conscience-bound to obey Scripture’s commands: We must confess our sins to one another (James 5:16; 1 John 1:7–10), and we must exhort one another (Heb. 3:12–14). The group environment can become harsh or permissive, or it can be filled with Christ’s warmth and holiness (Gal. 6:1).

In Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s classic Life Together, he explains how the Jesus in a Christian brother’s words is stronger than the Jesus that exists solely in my own mind. When I’m trapped in the gloom of guilt and I rehearse the gospel to myself, it’s sometimes hard for those words to get traction in my heart. But when I hear a brother summon me to repent and believe, the externality of those words more potently captures the objectivity of Christ’s finished work. Regardless of how I feel, Jesus’s death and resurrection for my sins stands as an external, concrete fact of history. My brother’s concrete declaration mirrors this reality.

If you’re in pornography’s grip right now, you can escape the little hell of lust, but the path won’t seem obvious. Don’t hide but walk in the light and confess your sins. Don’t hope in a silver bullet but be prepared to walk the long path of repentance. And, above all, don’t collapse into self-loathing but bring your sins to your wonderful, merciful Savior and receive his words of absolution: “Your sins are forgiven.”