Protecting My Elderly Father, Disabled Younger Sibling, And Myself From Financial Ruin Because Of My Mother

Location: Portland, Oregon

My 72yo mother announced on Saturday that she’s leaving the country and moving to France on July 30, 2025. She’s taken “her” car accident settlement money (~$40,000 remaining) out of the joint account and put it in her own name in a different bank.

She thinks that she can demand a 50:50 split on the house and proceeds from the sale of property after she’s left the country. My older sister and I have convinced our father to not agree to or sign ANYTHING before she leaves so he doesn’t get stuck dealing with her stuff while she’s off eating croissants.

At this point I’m pretty sure this qualifies as abandonment of my 85yo father and her taking the money out of the account was illegal.

My father is freaking out because we’ve been pooling resources to keep paying the mortgage on the “family” home that my parents, younger autistic sibling on Social Security (37yo), and I (40yo) all live in. I work full time and have been contributing to paying ~40% of the mortgage and other expenses for 12 years now.

I am not on the mortgage because of a verbal agreement that they were going to leave the house to me so I could continue supporting my disabled younger sibling (my older sister lives out of state and agreed that this was fair in terms of inheritance).

While I was opposed to not being on the mortgage agreement from the beginning, the bank was really difficult (this was in 2009, for reference) about it because I was a fairly recent graduate and underemployed at the time so my financial contribution was initially ~20% of expenses. The bank loan dude convinced my parents that it would be better to keep me off the mortgage because he could get a better rate for them that way.

It’s been 16 years and I’ve sunk well over $100k into the house because I stupidly thought I could trust both my parents to honor that agreement since it involved protecting my disabled younger sibling.

But now my greatest fear has come to pass—that something would happen and I’d have no protection—and my mother is saying that I have no legal rights to any money from the sale of the house or property and is demanding half of everything (except the remaining $40k from “her” legal settlement of which she gets 100% ????) once the dust settles.

Since there’s literally no possible chance of selling the house and all her junk before July 30 unless we sell everything for well below market value, what the heck are our options at this point?

I’m quite convinced that my mother has brain damage (behavioral change following a pulmonary embolism 10+ years ago) and early signs of dementia but can’t get her doctors to do anything.

If she leaves on July 30 without any legal agreement in place and has no intention of returning, what are our rights in terms of legal abandonment? She’s going to leave a ton of art supplies and other things behind because France has limits on what can enter the country without taxes and customs.

I think if she runs off and leaves her property behind, we’re have no obligation to sell it all and send her half the proceeds. That’s abandonment and she’s forfeited any claim to the value of the items left behind.

To be clear, she’s been trying to sell off her tools, etc., but hasn’t had much luck because she wants too much money and keeps getting distracted. So now she’s going to dump all of the hassle of selling the house and her stuff on us and go to France, expecting 50% of everything—including my parents pooled monthly Social Security payments—even though there’s no agreement in place.

What can we do? I’m looking for an attorney for my father, who is deeply depressed and having health problems from the stress, but don’t know if there’s anything I can do to protect us right now. My younger sibling is potentially even more depressed than Dad (and a suicide risk), so it’s just my older sister (in California) and I who are going to be handling everything.

Because we live in Portland, we have access to some free legal services, but I don’t even know where to start. I feel completely overwhelmed and have health problems of my own, on top of being less financially secure than I was before COVID. Any advice on making a plan would be greatly appreciated.

Bonus question: if it turns out that my suspicion regarding dementia is correct, what are my/our legal obligations when she’s no longer able to care for herself in another country? Does anyone know what French law would require? Would they send her back to the US or expect her children to cover her costs over there?

Incidentally, NO, she is not a French citizen and is leaving to go there without a long-term visa because she’s convinced that they’ll approve it by the time her short-term (90-day) passport residency expires ????‍♀️

And, yes, she’s serious. She’s booked a one-way ticket, signed a 3-month lease, and wired the deposit. It’s insane.