Please Help! My Dad Is Dying And My Mom And I Don’t Know What To Do

Location: New Jersey I don’t know if this is the right place to ask and if the tag flair is even right for this situation, I posted this in a different sub but I urgently need advice:

Sorry if this post is choppy, I am feeling so many mixed emotions and am currently an emotional wreck. I (23F) just came back home from a small trip with my boyfriend and was just now informed by mom (59 F) that my dad’s (59M) health has been rapidly declining for the past week and we are unsure about next steps to take if he dies suddenly.

For context, my parents are immigrants from Japan who moved here roughly 30 years ago. My dad is a hair stylist and makes around 40K annually while my mom is the receptionist there, and she makes roughly 13-14K. We are very low income and live in a small apartment in New Jersey. Since covid and throughout college, I’ve been keeping a distance from my parents as we don’t really get along and they have very toxic fights that would trigger my PTSD (that I was diagnosed with last year). During covid was my senior year of high school and I lived with my ex boyfriend for about 3 years. Throughout college, I moved back with my parents after my ex and I broke up, but whenever I was home for seasonal breaks, I would be out of the house as much as I can to avoid them. My dad is a raging alcoholic, and my mom and I assume that’s the reason his heath is declining. We’re not close, and they never really taught me much about finances and being independent. I’ve learned a few things myself through googling and my peers around me. In November of 2024, I finally got my first corporate job after graduating and still work there. I make around 61k annually, but my net income is around 30k.

Here is also some cultural context: Japanese people don’t like to ask for help and show weakness and have a very toxic workplace culture. My parents exhibit those qualities as well as they are very stubborn. I’m not even supposed to know this information, my mom suddenly told me as I was bringing my luggage in the front door and told me to keep it a secret from my dad that I know, and to not tell anyone. She even said to not cry in front of him, as that would be insulting to him who is suffering the most. My dad is very ill but has kept it hidden as best he can. He still attends work and keeps a strong face, he can’t eat anything except half a protein shake and is constantly throwing up during his breaks at work and even at home. His liver is in bad shape but refuses to get help. He’s never visited the hospital about this since his problems started, and even now as he’s dying refuses to get any treatment because he doesn’t want to live his last moments on a hospital bed, getting surgeries, etc for the sake of our finances but also because he wants to live his life the way he wants to until the very end. My parents have had arguments about his alcohol problem, but my mom has been lenient about it and tells him he can drink whatever he wants, as his dying wish apparently is to die from alcohol (his favorite thing).

Now what do I do? Any advice is helpful. My mom’s income wouldn’t be sufficient enough to pay for everything and her English isn’t that good either. My parents have paid off the mortgage, but still pay for property taxes (which have been skyrocketing) and other bills. My dad has been taking care of a lot of other things like his and my mom’s green card renewals and passport renewals and things like that, so both my mom and I have to learn how to do those things ourselves. I will also do what I can to help out financially.

She also has thoughts about moving back to Japan, but apparently it’s a very hard process. I don’t know much about it, but she says that apparently since she’s been living here for a very long time and has property here, it’ll be very difficult for her to find a place in Japan. I told her to ask our relatives for advice, but she refuses (either it’s her ego or again, Japanese etiquette/culture) and wants to do everything herself even though she’s clueless to everything.

Please help me, I am very lost on this topic and don’t know what to do. Again any advice is helpful and sorry if this post is confusing. I will answer any questions as well.