Childhood is the most magical time in many people’s lives. Santa Claus visits every Christmas Eve, you can dream of becoming anything you want when you grow up, and you never have to worry about paying bills or shopping for groceries.

But another underrated aspect of being young is having an amazing, effortless sense of humor. Adults have been sharing hilarious stories of kids saying the darndest things on Reddit, so we’ve gathered the funniest ones down below. Enjoy scrolling through these quotes that just prove kids are unintentionally the funniest humans alive, and be sure to upvote the ones that make you giggle. And keep reading to find a conversation with mother and writer Lisa Hides!

#1

Family went to Olive Garden restaurant. Waitress delivers the obligatory bowl of salad with the salad tongs.

I proceed to start mixing up the salad with the tongs.

My 4-year old daughter sits up and stares into the bowl and then looks up at me and asks, "What are you looking for?".

Image credits: pinheadmaximus

#2

"Uncle almost drank and drove us home!"

It was a coca cola you little narc.

Image credits: anon

#3

3ish year old girl on a airplane loudly announced "my daddy left me and mommy...and I don't know where he went". Then she pointed to her mom's tummy and told everyone "there is a baby in there too".

The mom had to remind her to tell the rest of the story, that daddy had taken another plane to a different city for work, but would be meeting up with them in a few days on their family vacation.

Image credits: TheAnswerIsGrey

To learn more about the hysterical things kids say without even trying to be funny, we got in touch with Lisa Hides. Lisa is a Canadian healthcare professional, mom, and writer. She has a newsletter titled Kind Of Funny For A Mom, where she sends out a weekly dose of humor, and she was kind enough to discuss this topic with Bored Panda.

First, we wanted to know if Lisa's kids have ever said something that deserves a spot on this list. "One hilarious moment that comes to mind is from back when my son was around ten," she shared. "He was obsessed with Wordle and discovered a website where you could create your own custom Wordle. So, he made me one to solve. Well, the word was ERECT and after I completed it, he kept repeating: 'Wasn’t that a HARD ONE?'"

"I sprayed my coffee," Lisa admitted. "What made this so much funnier was the innocence of the situation. My son had no idea what any of it meant or why I was laughing. That, and having a mother who peaked in middle school."

#4

We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he's a virgin.

Mr. S is a vegan.

Image credits: Princ3ssP3n3lop3

#5

My partner's 5-year-old daughter was watching me do my makeup in the mirror and she said "You look like an angel".

That's the sweetest thing she's ever said to me, so I gushed like a teenage girl and thanked her with a big grin on my face.

Then she elaborated: "You look like you're dead".

Image credits: anon

#6

My 7 year old son slept on the top bunk of a bed with his brother down below. He's a bit of a tank and was hitting around 28kgs. One night he asked me to put him to bed, and I said "mate, you're getting really heavy, I'm not sure that I can lift you all the way up that high anymore!".

He looked me straight in the eye and said "Dad, you just need to believe in yourself".

Image credits: anon

So what makes kids so effortlessly funny? "They lack the same filters and fears that we have as adults," Lisa noted. "Their humor is uncorrupted and raw. They can reach places without the same constraints we lame adults have. In my experience, Human Resources Departments are not known for their humor."

#7

My niece was 3 when my nephew was born... She came up to me and my girlfriend when we visiting my sister in hospital and said "so am I not allowed to punch the baby in the head?".

Image credits: anon

#8

Me: "How old do you thing Grandpa is?"

5 yr old nephew: "erm....12"

Me: "No, he's actually 62"

Nephew: "OOooh, he's going to die soon"

Me: 8|.

Image credits: pablo_pogo

#9

I once heard my son (Who'd just watched the old star wars series) ask my grandfather (British WW2 vet) what side he fought on in "The war" and my grandfather responded with "The Empire"

My kid cried for days because he thought his great grandfather fought for the galactic empire.

Image credits: OnyxAce

But just because you're not a kid anymore doesn't mean you shouldn't prioritize humor in your life. "Social psychology research teaches us that laughing makes us feel happier. It reduces feelings of stress and anxiety and boosts self-esteem," Lisa shared. 

"In my house, we're always laughing. I find myself flagging to my kids not to repeat some of the things we laugh about at home in case they offend, and why someone might be offended," she continued. "We're straddling a tough line here: building empathy while also nurturing a solid sense of humor. But it's worth it, because laughter truly is the best medicine."

#10

Went to McDonald's once and headed for the bathroom. Just before I opened the door this small child busts through with his friend and he yells "I ain't washing my hands, I'm a baaad boy!"

This happened 4 years ago and I still laugh about it.

Image credits: He_Was_Just_A_Ham

#11

One little girl asked her friend, "Does your mom have a baby in her belly?" (the woman was quite overweight). The kid says, "Oh, there's every possible thing in there"

Sorry it's hard to get it across in English but it was hilarious :D.

Image credits: anon

#12

I'm a mailman and one day a little girl came to the door to get the mail. She looked up at me with a big smile and said "thank you, whaleman!"

I spent the rest of the day thinking about how much more interesting of a job that would be.

Image credits: anon

"I can't tell you how many times I've snapped my daughter out of an epic tantrum by laughing," Lisa added. "It interrupts her dysregulated brain, and after confirming I'm not having some kind of neurological episode, like the social contagion it is, she bursts out laughing too. It just feels so much better than anger. Don't believe me? Try it, and report back!"

And if you'd like to hear more funny stories from Lisa, be sure to check out Kind Of Funny For A Mom or follow her on Instagram, X or Facebook!

#13

I worked as a teacher's assistant for a year and I have a weird last name so I got the kids to call me Mr A if they couldn't pronounce it, but some kids still tried to say their interpretation of my name. One of the kids said, "Mr A im gonna start calling you mr avocado. Because i cant remember your last name, and i dont like avocado.".

Image credits: scottydoeskno

#14

My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up "Well that went better than last time!"

Turns out he meant last time hubby was RBTed he b*tched about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.

Image credits: macadamiaicecream

#15

My son after wearing pants all winter and switching to shorts.

"Dad... I need sleeves for my legs".

Image credits: Fernilol

#16

As a child, my Brother didn't like peanuts. As a treat after dinner one Sunday we had Cornettos, my brother peeled the wrapper off and then turned to my Dad and said, "Daaaaaad, can you nibble my nuts off?"

My aunt wet herself laughing.

Image credits: bedwelld

#17

There was a field of cows and calves and I heard a little boy say "Mummy look baby beefs".

Image credits: Bloody-smashing

#18

“Who was President of the Soviet Union during World War Two?”
“Jackie Chan.”.

Image credits: blazecranium

#19

Literally 5 seconds ago a little girl asked me "Are you Melissa?"
I am a 250 pound bearded man. I am decidedly not Melissa.

Image credits: twec21

#20

"Hey! Who farted in my pants?" - my 3 year old son.

Image credits: lilpastababy

#21

Had a friend who transported goods for a pharmaceutical company. He jokingly referred to it as "delivering d***s" in front of his 4 year old nephew. One day, the friend was supposed to pick his nephew up from daycare. His caretaker asked him conversationally what his uncle did for a living. Of course, the kid spouts off that his uncle delivered/sold d***s for a living. This did not go over well with the caretaker. She proceeded to call the mother, who burst out laughing before she could explain.

#22

My 18 month old daughter, my wife, and I went to the beach about a month ago.

We are teaching her manners so when she wants something she needs to follow the formula, "(thing I want) please!"

We're teaching her to tell us when she wants to go to the beach, but it's sounding more like b***h. We're trying to correct her but it's not getting through.

She gets frustrated with us, and goes up to my mother in law who asks her if she wants a treat of some sort and she just says, "B***h, please.".

#23

Just happened last week when kiddo #2 was born.

I brought kiddo #1 (just turned 5) to the hospital for the first time to meet his new bro, he takes one look at the sleeping baby and says "He's so cute"

Then, he turns to my wife, looks her in the eye and says with genuine concern "How's your v****a?"

The nurses lost it.

Edit: A lot of people seem to think a 5 year old boy wouldn't know what a v****a is or where babies come from...this is kind of sad.

Educate your kids, people.

#24

So my almost 4 year old has a speech delay, and she pronounces horse as “w***e” and she has a my little pony toy that she takes everywhere. Anyway, she dropped it in Walmart one time and I didn’t notice and was walking away (she was in the cart) and she yells “MOMMY MY W***E! Get my w***e!!” Oh god I laughed so f*****g hard, as did a lot of people around me. Obviously had some nasty looks, but whatever. She thinks she says horse.


We’re working on it.

#25

Watching Star Wars with my 5 year old nephew. Great scene with Darth Sideous sitting in his little char facing out to space. You can't see him and all you can see is the chair before he does his big spinning chair reveal. Sideous says something like "Ahhh Skywalker, I've been waiting for you" or something.

My Nephew turns to me, shrugs his shoulders and says "Talking chair"

Don't know why this caught me but I lost it.

#26

My niece likes to sing in front of everyone at holiday gatherings. When she finishes she says "everybody c**p" instead of "everybody clap."

Always gets a good laugh.

#27

'Dad what's that?'
'Thats a cemetery'
'Whats a cemetery?'
'Thats where they bury dead bodies'
'Oh'

*(A few minutes pass)*

'Dad?'
'Yeah?'
'Where do they bury the heads?'.

#28

My little 6 year old cousin told me that his mom laid an egg and he hatched from it when explaining how he was born.

#29

Driving through Iowa with my 5 year old. "There's like 100 corns here, daddy.".

#30

Son's name is Skylar... daughter is 6 years old... wife was going back to college and we were talking about scholarships and we notice that our daughter is crying. I mean she's wailing and sobbing. After we get her calmed down we ask her what wrong. She says she doesn't want us to send Skylar to the moon.

Wtf? Why would we do that we ask.

She responds, "Why else would you need a Skylar ship?".

#31

In the middle of my local zoo there's a big clearing where they let all the African animals (except the carnivores, obviously) mingle, in an attempt to recreate a natural habitat. Last time I was there I was standing near a little boy and his mother, and the kid was in awe of what he was seeing. Suddenly, though, he saw something that got him really, really excited.

"Look, Mummy, look!" he shouted, pointing. "*It's a pigeon!*"

The thing is, he was absolutely right: in an African setting, an English pigeon *is* the exotic one.

#32

My kid and me after a large blow out I had with my Ex wife over something stupid, our two daughters heard my ex unloading on about how she hates me and how terrible I am, and I knew when she gets like that I have to walk away she would say some pretty cutting things. Anyways i am angry and I go sit on the couch in the living room with the lights off. My 4 year old walks up to me

L : Dad? No one likes you eh?

Me:Yeah I gathered... thanks.

L: Mommy doesn't Like you, I don't like you Helen(1.5yo) doesnt like you...

Me: Yeah Thanks.

L: HAHAHA I played a joke on you. I am kidding. I don't know what helen thinks.

#33

When my daughter was a almost two, she learned the word "juice," and it became her favorite word. She didn't always nail the pronunciation, but she was d**n proud of herself every time she said it.

One Sunday, after church, I was holding her on my hip having a conversation with the pastor (whom everyone in my family and half the church didn't like at all). So my kid, wide-eyed and excited to show off her new word, pointed at the pastor and said "juice!" Only, it came out "d****e!

I swear, I nearly died trying not to laugh out loud right there. That's the day my 20 month old became my hero.

#34

My daughter at maybe 2 or a little under proclaimed to our family that "my daddy (me) has a front tail".

#35

One morning I ask my kiddo, who was 18 months old, what she wanted for breakfast. She's just hit a new talking phase and liked to be asked her opinion. She grins, looks me in the eye and says, "F**k?"

Record scratch. Husband and I freeze and look at each other.

"Sorry sweetie, mommy didn't understand you. What do you want to eat?"

Grin falls and she gets that stubborn look in her eye, "F**k!" Husband and I blank stare, "F**k. F**k!" Meltdown, "F**K! F**K! FUUUUUCK!!!" tears and snot everywhere.

We really try not to laugh at her, but we lost it. We start laughingly accusing each other of slipping up. Then she starts *really* crying. So we sober up, comfort, ect. I go make a waffle in the toaster for her.

When I hand her the waffle the tears stop and we get a big grin, "F**k! Thank you."

She reinvinted the word f**k for waffle. It took months to break the habit and she would regularly start asking for waffles while out and about.

#36

I'm assuming my nephew over heard someone say this but as he is 6 I was impressed at his quick response. He was making a rocket out of cardboard. He said "I enjoy making things." My neice who is 4 replied "I like making things too." My nephew then said "Yeah making mischief." Me and my sister in law couldn't stop laughing. My neice was very confused.

#37

It was about nine years ago, when I was chilling at my sister's place during summer break. She was watching a 60 Minutes interview of recently elected President Barack Obama with my nieces in the room. The youngest at the time who was three saw the screen and then yelled " Ooo it's Abracadabra!" when she saw who was talking.

#38

When I was a kid I once called my sister a pregnant mosquito. I don't remember why but it still comes up at family gatherings.

#39

I was trying to get my nephew to stop being a loner and socialize with his mates, when he ripped me a new one: "How come I have to be like everyone else when you get to be gay?"

Got to hand it the kiddo, he made a valid point.

#40

When my nephew was a toddler, around Christmas time, he asked me "Uncle Extrasherman, can we sled ride in Hell?" I was kind of taken aback, trying not to laugh. We all heard it. My sister cleared it up though. He was trying to say "can we sled ride down the hill?".

#41

I guess I was three or so and pretending to work on my toy semi when I started throwing my tools and said " God d**n piece of s**t won't start!" Not much has changed.

#42

When i was 4, i was running around the dining room when i hit my elbow on a chair. i proceeded to tell my mom, “ouch! my testicles!!!”

i’m a girl.

#43

My five year old discovered dancing, and was dancing constantly. At bedtime:
“Take off your clothes. It’s time for jammies.”
“Ok daddy, but I dance while I take off my clothes.”.

#44

I have a two year old little girl who talks very well for her age. One day I'm standing in the kitchen and she busts through this beaded curtain we have on the door. She's got this real annoyed look on her face and she says " son of a b***h" and just kept walking by me.

#45

My daughter when she was 3 walked into the bedroom wearing a shirt, undies, no pants, Barbie high heels and a carrier bag on her shoulder. I asked her where she was going and she says “to work and then to weight watchers”.

#46

When I was four, I told my entire family at my birthday party that my wiener got big whenever I needed to really pee. My grandmother nearly died laughing.

#47

When my daughter was about 2 1/2, she told me she couldn’t wait to grow up, because she was dying to be able to say bad words.

I said oh yeah? Like what word?

“The “T” word?”

“What’s the “t” word? I asked...

She looks around to make sure no one is watching, leans in, and whispers “F****n’”.

I’m now dying and I say, “That’s not a T word that’s a F word. Think maybe it’d be a good idea to learn the alphabet before you learn bad words?”

“Yeah..... what’s the alphabet?”

“The ABC’s.”

“Oh... yeah. I should learn that first.”.

#48

Was at a dinner party at the house of friends who have a five year old whose favourite word that week was 'a*s'. His parents were encouraging him to try the new food on his plate, one of the other guests (who's gay) made a show of how tasty it was. Kid pointed at him and said "Yeah but you eat everything. You eat a*s!"


We the guests almost fell apart laughing at that.

#49

My 7 year old cousin told me "I hope I never become an uncle." When I asked him why he said "Because all four of my brothers are morons, so their son's will definitely be morons too!".

#50

I used to ask my little cousin (around 5-6 years old at the time) if she knew any swear words. She started listing off all the bad words she knew. "Hate...stupid...c**p...**f**k**..." *Wait, what was that last one?* It escalated so quickly and nonchalantly that it had me dying.

#51

Uncle had a tick in his ear when we went camping. my nephew pronounced tick as d**k and would not stop shouting “uncle toms got a big ol d**k in his ear” over and over again.

#52

In the lebanese dialect ( arabic ), the word ' Eyri ' means ' My D**k '. A young lebanese boy was counting to 100 in english. When he got to the eighties, instead of saying eighty, he replaced it with 'Eyri'. Eyri one, Eyri two, Eyri three, Eyri four, Eyri five, Eiri six, Eiri seven, Eiri eir, Eiri nine...

We lost two people that day due to excessive laughter...

#53

My boyfriend’s little brother was six/seven at the time, and had recently learned some anatomy terms. For some reason, he had a**s and p***s confused, and no matter how many times my boyfriend and I tried to tell him that the a**s is in back and the p***s is in front (and every other way we could figure out how to say it) he just wasn’t getting it. It got pretty loud, at one point, with my boyfriend yelling “No! The a**s doesn’t pee!” and his brother saying something along the lines of “Why do anuses get bigger when you get older?”
Eventually, I pulled out my anatomy textbooks and showed him a few diagrams and he finally figured it out.
Still the funniest thing ever.

#54

My cousin was a toddler, didn't have much of a vocabulary and was easily excited by everything construction related (thanks to Bob the Builder).

We were on the sidewalk when this guy is driving by slowly. My cousin starts yelling at the top of his lungs "Dumb f**k! Dumb f**k! Dumb f**k!". Over and over while laughing and pointing right at him.

I presume the guy driving the **dump truck** was confused.

#55

I was a single mom to a 6yo daughter and a 5yo son and I was going to buy them treats from an ice cream truck. I gave them limited options, due to the prices, and as we walked away, my son asked why. My little "mini-me" launched into a story about how we need to be grateful for the blessings we have, then she said, "Some kids don't even have toys! Some kids don't have anything to play with except their own bodies!!!".

#56

I was explaining to my 4 year old son what muscles are and asked him to look at my biceps. He said “hold on I need to go get my magnifying glass.” I didn’t even know what to say and my wife is still laughing about it.

#57

I could tell hundreds of stories from my camp counselor days 10 years ago or so, but one that will always stick out was when I had a group of 6-8 year olds on an exploration hike decently far into the woods, and one of the boys told me he needed to go to the bathroom.

"OK, Trevor," I asked, "do you know how to go to the bathroom outside?", questioning whether or not he understood to do his business out of view from the rest of the group, on a tree or something.

"Yeah," he assured me, while walking away, "I just take my peanutses out and go."

Couldn't argue with his answer.

#58

I’ve shared this before, but once when my niece was very little- maybe 3- we passed a bridge under construction and there were two big cranes working. She sighed in this resigned way and said- “I knew one day the dinosaurs would come and get me...”

I almost had to pull over I laughed so hard!

Around the same time- we were having a dinner party and my best friend and I were sitting in the living room. She toddles in and I hold out my arms- she runs and jumps into my friends lap. I exclaim, “But, P! I’m blood!” She screams and runs towards me- “You blood? Where?!” And proceeds to check me over for flesh wounds.

She’s awesome.

#59

I work as a preschool teacher so I hear all kinds of hilarious things.

Just last week, we were reading the Little Red Hen and I asked what a hen was, indicating the picture. One of my kids shouts out, "Chicken!" and then another raises his arms and yells, " We k**l chickens!" It was so hard to keep a straight face.

My all time favorite, I am working with a younger age group, coloring a project when all of the sudden one of the kids jumps up, grabs his butt, and utters "I gotta s**t!". After taking him to the bathroom, we talked about how there are better words to say for poop.

#60

My three-year-old semi-accidentally poked her four-year-old sister pretty hard in the belly button last night. The four-year-old spent the next fifteen minutes complaining that her sister had hurt her in the *uterus.*.

#61

This kid was at a public pool’s restroom at a urinal between his father and an enormously overweight man with his shirt off.

The kid says “look dad that man has bosoms!”
The dad is horrified, and responds with “no son, thats muscle”.

I died.

#62

Was babysitting my best friends little brother when he was about 4 or 5. We were looking at a book that explained the human body. On one of the pages it talked about the heart. I asked him if he knew where his heart was and he just kinda looked at me so I pointed to his chest. I asked him again where his heart was and he pointed right to his n****e. I laughed and told him that was his n****e and he had this confused look on his face and yelled “NIBBLE? WHATS A NIBBLE FOR!?” Always cracks me up when I think about it.

#63

A little background: When my daughter was little, she would make any excuse to try to sleep in our bed. We also had a lab named Morty who fell in love with her the day we brought her home from the hospital and followed her around until the day he died.

One night, she told me, "Mommy, I can't sleep in my bed because Morty left all of his dog feathers in it.".

#64

Miss 6: I don’t really like when Nanna ruby wants me to give her a kiss

Me: why is that? She’s your great nanna and you only see her a few times a year.

Miss 6: she has so many lines and saggy bits in her face sometimes they get in my mouth and between my lips.

Edit: both my kids know they don’t have to show affection, kiss or hug anyone they don’t want to.. even if they are family.
The reason I said“she’s your great nanna and you only see her a few times a year” is she said it no where near a visit with her, just randomly whilst we were driving. I wanted to know how / why she came out with that.

#65

My kid was 4 years old, and a massive Ghostbusters fan. He went to his preschool one day and told all the teachers he was changing his name to “Ghost Tips”. He was adamant, and every time someone called him by his first name, he said, “From now on, please call me Ghost Tips.” By the end of the day, he had gotten so annoying about it, even the teachers had started indulging him. When I went to pick him up, the teachers were all asking me what the name “Ghost Tips” meant. I told them I had no idea...until I heard one of the teachers say it from across the room. Then it hit me.

He likes the latest Paul Feig-directed Ghostbusters movie as much as the original Ghostbusters movie. His favorite character is Holzmann, who he had heard use a choice term in the film. But he was mispronouncing it.

So, yeah. My four year old had been enthusiastically asking everyone at school to call him “Ghost T**s”.

#66

We eat bovril on bread but mom always calls it Marmite. I ask my 5 year old what he wants on his sandwich so he says, "termite please"

We were looking through my 21st slideshow and there was a photo of me with an ex boyfriend, who was white, my husband is darker skinned as he has Lebanese, Italian in his family. My 7 year old says, " you nearly chose a peach guy to be our dad but you chose a brown guy"

5 year old: You know why I eat blood? So I can have lots of blood in my body so I don't die.

5 year old when he was 3 or 4 cut his foot open badly and the flesh was hanging out. He got it stitched up and in the following days we went to the shop and he says, "are we buying meat to put back in my foot?"

5 year old: when I grow up I want to be a police dog.

5 year old: I don't like hate, hate hurts our brain.

9yr old: the girls want to see B(1 yr old sister) but I don't want them to
Me: why?
Him: because then they get all excited and hyperactive.

My 9 yr old told us his clothes had a skidmark from the soup he ate, he meant that it messed but it made us laugh a lot.

#67

My son and I call each other “poop face”...not sure how it started but anyways, one day we were having our normal back and forth and I said “you are such a poop face. I can smell you from all the way over here”. He responded “oh yeah? Can you smell me from Canada?” And I said “yes, I can even smell you from the moon!“ his response was “can you smell me from Uranus?“ I died. They had been learning about space in school and I guess Uranus stood out to him. He asked me why I was laughing because he had no idea why it was funny.

#68

I was teaching a kindergarten ESL class in Korea and we were learning about families. After instructing my students to draw a picture of their families I heard one student yell at another, “You can’t color your family peach! They have to be yellow!”

Stealth edit: I did NOT teach them that.

#69

Watching Shrek with my parents when I was little, and my mom remarked on how funny it was that Donkey didn’t have a name aside from “donkey.” I argued “But Mom, his name is Steve!” My mom asked me how I knew this, so I gently reminded her that at one point Fiona calls him “Noble Steve.” Couldn’t understand why everyone started laughing.
Now, my therapist’s name his Steve and my mom refuses to refer to him by anything but “Noble Steve.” I will never live this down.

#70

This requires some backstory, but bear with me.

My high school friend and I, now both grown and with kids, happened to be back in our home town at the same time - me to visit family, he for a funeral. I agreed to watch his kids while he and his wife attended the funeral, and took his two boys (preschool aged) to the park with my two girls, who were a year or two older.

I should state that, in high school, I tended to answer every request for knowledge the way Calvin's dad did - with funny, but obviously wrong statements. My friend wanted to warn his boys of this, so before we left for the park he said "Don't believe anything he tells you, but listen to what he asks you to do." He hoped it would inoculate them from finding out the Sun sets in Arizona or similar nonsense. Instead, of course, backfired beautifully.

So it starts out with the kids all climbing a tree. My daughters climb right up, but the younger boys are having some trouble. They ask to be picked up into the tree, and I say "sorry, if you can't climb up yourself, it's not safe for you to be there." Hearing this made him determined, and climbed right up after that. At which point he started talking about how great it was that I *let* him climb the tree.

Uh oh. "Let." That means he isn't *usually* allowed to climb trees. So I ask if his mother lets him climb trees. "Oh yes, mom lets me climb trees all the time!" Great, I say, then I can send her this picture of you climbing the tree so she can see how good you are doing! "I'll give you five dollars not to send that picture." He has zero hesitation in that statement - an immediate and confident bribe attempt is pretty impressive from a four year old.

But I'm clearly in trouble here.

So I tell the kids its time to climb out of the tree, before I find myself in any deeper water with their mom. My oldest daughter straddles the slanting trunk of the tree, and slides down it like a very bumpy slide, but with her legs to either side. My friend's oldest boy stares in shock, and exclaims "Doesn't that hurt your wiener?!"

My daughter looks at him confused, and states a fact we have all clearly taken for granted at this point: "No. Girls don't have wieners."

I didn't think his eyes could open wider, but they did. This was, to a four-year-old who has only brothers, Earth-shattering news, and he turned to me to get an adult to make sense of this. At first there was denial: "What? Everyone has a wiener." Then came the questions. "Do all girls not have a wiener? Do they still pee? How?! They still have a butt, don't they?!?!" The answer to the last at least, seemed to reassure him.

But then, like Simba in the Lion King, his father's words came back to him: *Simba Voice* "Don't believe anything he tells you."

And thus the "joke" becomes clear to him, and he's outsmarted me thanks to his father's wisdom. *Obviously* I was trying to pull one over on him, with this "girls don't have wieners" thing. So as an act of defiance, he climbs to the very top of the playground equipment, and begins shouting at the top of his lungs:

"*EVERYBODY HAS A WIENER!!!!!*".

#71

My wife and I take our children to see Santa in Macy's NYC. We have a five year old boy and a three year old girl.

We get on the elevator to go up and my son says to a twenty something girl as she gets on ...

"Hey girlfriend, do you wanna see my pokemon?".

#72

My old job from a few years back was right by an elementary school. I worked 9's with an hour lunch and would go down to the plaza on the other side of the school for break. I heard a lot of nonsense walking over there but the one thing I remember was two little girls talking:

"LOOOOOK!!! TIGER POOP!!!"

"No, those are rocks."

I was cracking up the rest of the day thinking about it, and when it randomly pops in my head I still get a chuckle.

#73

Was out to lunch with my fiance, her parents, and my 4 year old niece. I gave her a quarter so she could get some skittles from the candy machine. We are driving home and she is intentionally offering everyone skittles, and telling me I can't have any. All of the sudden she looks at me and asks "What is that in your hand?". I show her my empty hand and she says "no, your other hand". I was pretty confused and opened my other hand to show her there was nothing in it either. She looks at me with this s**t eating grin and says, "hmmm...no skittles".

#74

One of my daughters, who is 12, likes to tease me about how old I’m getting. We were out for a walk the other evening and I told her I had been talking to my dad about her teasing.

She said, “Did you tell grandpa that you have a mental disorder that makes you think you are younger than you are?”

I told her she’s grounded until she’s 22.

#75

Standing on the train during commute time which was quiet with my kids, my youngest the age of 4 standing behind me kept saying "mommy mommy" as if to tell me something urgently. I answered him, he said "Mommy your booty stank." I started laughing out loud, then so did everyone else.

#76

At a friend's house during lunch. His daughter had eargerly gobbled down her food and had crumbs all over her face. Her mom trying to get her to clean up asked "What's on your face?" and her daughter snapped back with "Nothing! What's wrong with your face!?".