I Think My Partner Has A Gambling Addiction. How Do I Talk To Them About It?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader is worried their partner may be addicted to gambling.
• Our columnist says figuring that out should be part of opening up to each other financially.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

I am pretty sure my partner has a gambling addiction. I don't know the details of their finances, but they're always going to the casino and playing online games for money.

So far, they don't seem financially strained by this activity, but as we begin talking about marriage, the habits I've seen give me pause.

How do I talk to my partner about my concerns without sounding judgmental or accusatory? I want to marry them; they're amazing in every other way, but I can't ignore this massive red flag.

Sincerely,

Unwilling to Gamble My Future

Dear Unwilling to Gamble,

You used the phrase "pretty sure" to describe your hunch, which is worth exploring. "Pretty sure" isn't sure, and since you clearly love your partner, it's best to remember that while our suspicions are often driven by intuition, they are also sometimes driven by fear — it's easy to view a loved one's vices in the scariest possible light.

I'm not a big drinker, so years ago, when a friend mentioned they liked to end their days with a glass of wine, to me, "every day" indicated a worrying dependence. As time went on, however, no visible problems developed, and now this friend barely drinks at all due to the expense, calories, and the waning interest of middle age.

This could be the case with your partner. Perhaps their weekends at the casino are part of their friend group's routine. Maybe the money they put toward their phone is no more than the average Starbucks fan spends on their lattes.

Marrying someone with a gambling addiction will be incredibly stressful, as evidenced by the high rate of divorce among marriages impacted by gambling addictions. That said, the heart wants what the heart wants. Before you find out anything definitive, you need to decide whether this red flag is a dealbreaker.

Once you've decided how big of a deal a gambling addiction is for you, it's time to find out for sure what's going on. Approach your partner as neutrally as possible. Avoid any accusations or implications that you've been studying and judging their behavior. Instead, focus on your feelings.

Rather than saying, "You're always at the casino. How much money are you spending? Do you have a gambling addiction?" Try saying something like, "I've been noticing that you spend a lot of time at the casino and playing games online, and I worry about how that will impact our future."

No matter how carefully you go in, your partner will likely feel embarrassed and defensive. No one likes feeling like their loved ones have been watching their behaviors and building a case. So, use open-ended questions that center on your curiosity to keep the conversation constructive. Ask, "How do you feel about gambling?" Or "What role do you see gambling playing in your future?"

There are a few ways this conversation may go. They might acknowledge they have a problem. Maybe they've been hoping someone would help them but couldn't bear to admit they needed it. If this is the case with your partner, there are a lot of resources to help them get into recovery. Have them call the National Problem Gambling Helpline, find a local Gamblers Anonymous meeting, and help them get into behavioral therapy.

Hopefully, however, your partner will be able to immediately reassure you that they don't have a gambling addiction so that you can put this suspicion behind you. Perhaps you'll learn they frequent the casino to spend time with friends, and they have no problem sticking to their $50 limit.

However, there is a third way this could go. Your partner may deny having a problem and offer you a lot of excuses that don't quite add up, leaving you as doubtful as you are now.

The best way to get the clarity you need is to work toward the kind of open and honest lines of communication every serious relationship should have anyway. You mentioned not knowing "the details of their finances" — it's time you ask about them and offer your financial details in exchange.

Talking about money can feel awkward and intrusive, but having open lines of communication around money will give your relationship a significant advantage. Not to mention, it will tell you so much about one another.

That includes things like how much both of you have saved for retirement, how much debt you both bring to the relationship, and whether they will be OK with your financial habits.

If they won't agree to this level of financial transparency, that will tell you something too. And that's your actual question, isn't it? "How can I be sure if my partner is trustworthy?"

No matter how you choose to move forward, the most important thing I can impart to you is this: You can trust yourself enough to find out.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

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