Grieving The Fact That I May Never Get To Fully Explore Being Attracted To Women Because I’m In A Relationship With A Man

I don’t really know how to explain this without it sounding like I’m unhappy in my relationship, because I genuinely am not. I’m a woman who can be attracted to anyone. I don’t feel super attached to labels because I basically just like who I like, but if I had to identify myself, I’d probably say bisexual. I’m also very attracted to women. I’ve actually always known I was a little bit queer. It wasn’t some huge realisation one day, I think that part of me was always there, but I didn’t really become open about it or properly accept it until my later years of high school. Even then, I don’t think I ever really gave myself the chance to fully explore what it meant for me.

I have had a girlfriend before. It didn’t last very long and ultimately she wasn’t the person for me, but I felt so much in that relationship. It was just... different. It's honestly hard to even put into words. The attraction, the emotions, the dynamic of being with another woman, it awakened this whole part of me, and I think having had such a small taste of that almost makes the wondering harder.

Then I ended up in a genuinely loving relationship with a man. And he is honestly everything I could want in a partner. I love him. Our relationship is good, and I can genuinely picture marrying him, having kids with him and spending my life with him. I’m not sitting here thinking, “I need to leave my boyfriend because I want women instead.” That’s actually what makes this so confusing. I’m still very young, and I think I’m at an age where I’m trying to understand myself and what all of this could mean for my future. I don’t want to wake up one day married with children and realise that I have this massive regret about never getting to explore such a significant part of myself.

But at the same time... what am I supposed to do? Leave an amazing man who I love just so I can “explore”? There’s no guarantee that would even lead to anything. I could leave someone who is genuinely right for me, date women for a while and realise I gave up an incredible relationship for a hypothetical experience. That feels ridiculous too. So I feel stuck somewhere between not wanting to throw away something beautiful for a “what if”, while also being scared that ignoring the “what if” for the rest of my life could turn into regret. I think there’s a genuine grief in it. If I stay with him, marry him and we spend our lives together, there’s a very real possibility that I’ll never have another girlfriend. I might never know what it’s like to properly date women as an adult, fall deeply in love with a woman, experience intimacy with women, get my heart broken, flirt with a girl at a bar, have those awkward first dates, or just exist in that part of myself without it being hypothetical. And sometimes I really mourn that. It’s not about wanting to cheat. It’s not about a specific woman. It isn’t even necessarily about wanting a different relationship. It feels more like I’m grieving a version of my life, and maybe a version of myself, that I might never get to know.

Another thing that makes this harder is that I’m extremely “straight-presenting.” I know there obviously isn’t one way to look queer, and I don’t think anyone should have to present a certain way to prove their sexuality. But practically, it does affect my experience. Almost every time I tell someone I’m queer/bisexual, I get some version of, “NO WAY, I thought you were straight,” or, “Really?? I never would’ve guessed.” And after hearing it over and over, it gets frustrating. I don’t want to change the way I dress or act just so women might recognise that I’m attracted to them. But unless I basically outright announce, “Hey, by the way, I like women,” nobody seems to see me that way. I also don’t have many queer friends and don’t really know that many queer people in general, so sometimes I feel weirdly disconnected from that whole side of myself. Like I technically know who I am, but I haven’t really had the community or experiences that might have helped me understand it better.

And I think that's partly what I'm grieving too. Not just sex or dating women, but getting to actually live that part of myself rather than simply knowing it exists. The hardest part is that I can love my boyfriend deeply and still feel this. I can look at him and genuinely think, “I could marry you,” while another tiny part of me thinks, “Does that mean I’m saying goodbye to this forever?” Both feelings seem true at the same time. I sometimes wish I had met him later. Not because I wish I hadn’t met him, but because I wish I'd had a few years before him where I could have properly explored this, dated women, figured myself out and then met him knowing I wasn't leaving such a huge question unanswered. I think I’d feel differently if I could say, “Yeah, I explored that part of myself and this is still the person I choose.” Instead, there’s this huge unknown.

I’m curious whether other bisexual/queer women, particularly those in long-term relationships with men, have experienced anything similar. Did you ever feel grief over the queer experiences you might never have? Did that feeling settle as you got older? Did you find ways to feel connected to your queerness without needing to date women? Or did you eventually realise the feeling was telling you something bigger about what you actually wanted?

I’m not looking for someone to tell me to dump my boyfriend and “go be gay,” because that feels way too simplistic. But I also don’t want to dismiss these feelings now and potentially realise years down the track that they were something I should have taken seriously. I guess I’m just trying to figure out the difference between mourning a path you didn’t take and actually wanting to take that path.