Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help Make Sense Of Your Relationships — Here’s How

Starting in middle school through my junior year of high school, I was stuck in an unhealthy cycle of toxic friendships. Every time I made a new close friend, I would cling to them and treat them like my number one priority, but they never showed me the same amount of care. I couldn’t understand why this kept happening… Why was I so bad at maintaining friendships? Why was I always doing too much?

I knew there was a pattern, but I didn’t understand its roots. During my junior year, I learned what anxious attachment was: an attachment style that causes people to crave closeness and fear abandonment. I finally reevaluated how I approached friendships and that’s when everything shifted. Since then, I’ve been able to build healthy, reciprocal friendships, and I don’t drive people away anymore. But it wasn’t until this year that I realized just how significant attachment styles are and how much goes into them.

Understanding my attachment style has genuinely given new meaning to my life. As we grow older and meet new people, it’s more important than ever to know your style; it constantly shapes your behavior in every relationship you have, affects how you communicate and solve conflicts, and influences how you approach intimacy.

I used to think these were just “bad habits” or personality flaws. But they were actually ways of sending, receiving, and interpreting messages.

The first step in understanding your attachment style is identifying exactly what they are. College is full of new friendships, roommates, and dating experiences, and these patterns can show up in surprising ways.

The first style is anxious attachment. Anxiously attached people typically crave closeness so much that they fear abandonment and need constant reassurance. They are categorized as having low avoidance and high anxiety. Some people would describe anxiously attached people as “needy.” But the truth is that this is simply an attachment pattern, not a personality flaw. In college, this might look like texting a friend repeatedly for validation or worrying that they don’t like you enough.

Avoidantly attached people are very independent in relationships with high avoidance and low anxiety. They tend to shut down when they feel themselves getting close to someone and are private when it comes to emotion. Some might say that avoidants “don’t care” about anyone, but the reality is that they do care; they just protect themselves with distance. This could look like avoiding deep conversations with roommates or dating partners.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style is complex, with a mix of high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships. They crave closeness, but fear it at the same time. This can lead to unpredictable emotions and actions. A common sentiment is that disorganized people are “manipulative,” but this is not true. These people often act the way that they do due to the inconsistent relationships they’ve had in the past. In college, they may swing between wanting to hang out and needing space, leaving friends unsure of where they stand.

The final attachment style is securely attached, people who have low avoidance and low anxiety. They are at ease with both independence and closeness, communicating and trusting easily. A common misconception about securely attached people is that they never have issues. They do have issues; they just regulate themselves well. Securely attached students can handle roommate disagreements, dating conflicts, or stressful group projects with sureness and calm communication.

You might have been able to categorize yourself while reading through those, as well as think about some of the people in your life and what their attachment style might be. I’ll be honest, practically applying all of this was my favorite part while learning about the attachment styles. But along with understanding what they are, it is important to identify where they came from.

This semester, I took SCOM240, the class I need to get into the Communications major at JMU. In it, we learned about different communication theories, including Attachment Theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later joined by Mary Ainsworth. What surprised me was realizing that attachment isn’t just a psychological thing; it’s actually a communication pattern. It explains why we react the way we do in relationships, why some people crave closeness, why others pull away, and why certain dynamics repeat themselves without us even noticing.

Hearing it explained in class honestly made so much of my past make sense. I finally had language for things I had spent years trying to figure out, especially the way I connected with friends and why I used to cling so tightly to people who didn’t show me the same level of care.

For instance, when I used to obsessively analyze texts and needed constant communication, I always thought it was just me being dramatic. But through the eyes of Uncertainty Reduction Theory, one of the Communication Theories that overlaps with Attachment Theory, it was actually a way to try to reduce relational uncertainty. The more anxious I felt, the more I sought information and reassurance through communication.

One of the most interesting things that we learned in class was how attachment styles even develop. It turns out that how we are raised is the basis of it all.

Secure attachment often comes from caregivers who are emotionally available and meet the needs of the child; this forms the basis of the child’s belief that their caregiver will support them and keep them safe.

Anxious attachment is typically derived from inconsistent caregivers; sometimes they are available and responsive, but not always. This makes the child anxious in terms of the reliability of the caregiver, and so, he or she may have a need for more reassurance in relationships in the future.

Avoidant attachment is known to come from caregivers who are distant emotionally, highly critical, and rejecting emotional expression and dependence. Consequently, the child often suppresses their needs and becomes guarded emotionally as a strategy to avoid getting hurt.

The disorganized attachment style usually arises from childhood trauma, where the caretaker is simultaneously a source of comfort and fear. The child ultimately becomes confused about how to interact with others, causing a desire for closeness with a coinciding fear of it.

A common misconception of attachment style development is that your original attachment style is the one you will have for the rest of your life. The truth is that attachment styles are almost bound to change as you go throughout life. Some start secure but turn anxious, avoidant, or disorganized as a result of negative experiences in personal relationships. Your attachment style has and will likely continue to fluctuate as things shape you.

Believe it or not, the same can go for unstable attachment styles. Yes, it is common to start as one and morph into another, but it is also possible to train yourself to become secure, which we will delve into soon!

Another major misconception is that just one attachment style defines you. The reality is that most people are a combination of multiple styles; you can be avoidantly attached with anxious tendencies, or securely attached with tendencies of another. Our styles are both fluid and ever-changing.

It was super interesting to learn about how attachment styles affect communication without us even realizing it. When I was anxiously attached, the little habits that I would repeatedly display said more about me than I thought they did. I would analyze texts obsessively, constantly need communication with my friends (if I went one day without talking to them, I would feel a drift), and constant reassurance.

Looking back, this wasn’t just anxiety; it was how I interpreted silence as rejection and relied on communication to manage my fear. The same message, or total lack of one, could feel totally different depending on what attachment I was looking at it through.

Eventually, after various tumultuous friendships and one really bad relationship, I started to display avoidant tendencies. With my close friends, I was still displaying slight anxious traits. But with people whom I had romantic interest in, I was avoidant. I would start super interested and engaged, but eventually, I would start to pull away and become disinterested, often telling my friends that I got the irreversible “ick.” The truth every time was that I felt myself getting close to the said person, and I was scared.

I soon learned to be secure in my friendships, but romance continues to be a complex thing for me. I find myself attracted to people who don’t show much interest in me, and sometimes, when someone does like me, it almost detracts me from the relationship as a whole.

I believe part of why I have reached security in friendships but not romance is because romantic relationships call for a deeper level of vulnerability. In friendships, I can communicate openly without that same fear of abandonment or intimacy. In romantic situations, I’m more aware of being “chosen,” and that pressure changes how I interpret and send messages.

It’s something that I know is an issue and am actively working to fix. I know that it’s possible for two reasons: one, I was able to alter my attachment style when it comes to friendships. And two, Attachment Theory tells us that it’s possible, as well as how to do it.

For me, “working on it” has looked like trying to set boundaries, calling myself out when I start self-sabotaging, and paying attention to whom I’m drawn to instead of romanticizing emotional unavailability. To me, being secure in romance would look like being able to like someone without losing myself or running away the second it feels real.

According to Attachment Theory, through the practice of the behaviors that securely attached people naturally display, it’s possible to move toward a more secure attachment style. Secure people communicate their needs clearly instead of hinting or testing people. For instance, instead of hoping someone picks up on subtle hints, they might say, “I’d like to spend time together this weekend. Does that work for you?”

They also allow space without spiraling. When the other person doesn’t respond immediately, they remind themselves that silence does not necessarily equate to rejection. They distract themselves with something enjoyable rather than replaying the same thoughts over and over.

They allow closeness without panicking. For those with avoidant tendencies, it may look like noticing the urge to pull away when things start to feel intimate, taking a breath, and staying present a little longer instead of shutting down.

They can quickly repair after a conflict. Instead of allowing discomfort to create distance, they may go back and say, “Hey, I didn’t handle that well… Can we reset?”

Secure people maintain a balanced focus on both themselves and others. They ask both, “What do I need right now?” and “What might the other person need?” because security isn’t either/or; it’s both.

Finally, they regulate their emotions and do not react impulsively. Before responding in the middle of a heightened moment, they pause and check in with themselves: Am I tired? Hungry? Stressed? Then respond from a calmer, more grounded place instead of just reacting on impulse.

While it is true that these ways of reframing your mindset and interactions with others won’t magically turn you into a securely attached person, attempting to do these things over a period of time will give you more and more secure traits, little by little. You know what they say- repetition is the mother of skill.

Understanding your attachment style can lead to understanding what makes you tick, give you a look into why others around you might respond the way they do, and give you the knowledge and language to communicate your needs. All of this can help you work towards a secure attachment style, if you’re not already there, and become more emotionally mature. What that really means is being able to pause before reacting, recognize why you’re feeling a certain way, and communicate that instead of projecting it onto the people around you. It’s learning the difference between your emotional instincts and your actual intentions.

To this day, I admittedly still have a difficult time setting boundaries. Because of my avoidant tendencies, I sometimes suppress my emotions and feelings out of fear of causing conflict. But since I’ve been able to build healthier friendships recently, the people I surround myself with now have stronger communication habits and are much more comfortable setting boundaries. Being around them and learning from the way they handle difficult conversations has helped me realize where to even begin.

After learning about attachment, I’ve also started keeping it in mind while communicating with the people closest to me, how their attachment styles might influence how they react or respond. I’ve been able to reframe my mindset and understand that negative reactions aren’t always a reflection of me, or just their personality; the way we communicate is shaped by our past experiences with others. That doesn’t excuse treating people badly, but it does give communication more context. When you and a friend or romantic partner can’t agree on boundaries, it might not just be stubbornness; it could be attachment styles showing their faces.

In college, knowing yourself is more important than ever. You’re on your own navigating solely adult relationships for the first time in your life. You’re meeting new people every day, making friends, and probably having to navigate complex and insane situations with these people every day.

You might be sharing a bedroom with someone you just met three months ago. You’re figuring out how to communicate with roommates who have completely different habits than you do. You’re watching your friends go through emotionally unavailable situationships, or you might be in one yourself, wondering why you’re attracted to people who can’t seem to meet you where you are. Or maybe, you’re on the other end. And more often than not, these issues don’t come from people being “crazy”; they come from different attachment styles colliding without anyone having the words for what’s happening.

Understanding attachment doesn’t magically fix emotionally unavailable people or make bad roommates disappear, but it does give you clarity. It gives you language for patterns you might’ve previously blamed on yourself. It helps you recognize when someone’s distance is a reflection of their avoidance, not your worth. And it helps you understand when your urge to over-explain, fix everything, or shut down isn’t random. It’s learned.

If you take anything away from this, let it be this: your attachment style isn’t permanent, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a framework that explains why you react the way you do and how you learned it in order to protect yourself. And once you’re aware of it, you get a choice in whether you are going to keep running the same patterns or start responding differently.

<p>The post Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help Make Sense of Your Relationships — Here’s How first appeared on Her Campus.</p>