Understanding Attachment Theory

PSYCHOLOGY

The psychology behind why you keep attracting the same relationship patterns.

Love is great. Love is necessary.Love is beautiful. But love is not enough. — Mark Manson

I still get excited whenever I talk to my friend, Salma. She tells wild stories, and I sometimes get to live vicariously through her.

Last week, she walked into my office with a bounce in her step.

She enthusiastically announced, “Lizzie, I met someone new! I met The One! The chemistry is electric! Get ready for our wedding.”

Only three months ago, Salma broke up with her boyfriend of six years. He was “the love of her life”, so this announcement was perplexing to me.

She was, however, clearly excited about what she was about to tell me.

At the beginning of the conversation, I was very skeptical as I have thought for the longest time that you need at least half the time you were with someone to heal from a breakup that blindsided you. So, I thought she still had another 2 years and 9 months to go before she would be ready for another serious relationship.

However, I did not want to douse her fire, so, I listened.

I am truly glad that I did.

You meet someone new. The chemistry is electric. You feel a familiar flutter of possibility.

But three months in, you recognize the script.

The same arguments. The same emotional distance. The same ending.

You promise yourself this time will be different, yet here you are again, wondering why you keep choosing people who cannot love you the way you need to be loved.

Sound familiar?

Salma spent years believing she was cursed in relationships.

Every connection started with promise and ended with her analyzing what she did wrong, how she could have been better, why she was never enough.

It was not until I discovered attachment theory in my clinical psychology training that I finally understood the trope.

People who struggle like this in relationships are simply following an invisible blueprint created in their earliest years.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby who was a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, explains that humans are born with a need to form strong emotional bonds with caregivers for survival and healthy social and emotional development.

The theory posits that infants need to form a close relationship with at least one primary caregiver to ensure their survival, and to develop healthy social and emotional functioning.

These early bonds act as a secure base from which to explore the world and are crucial for the quality of adult relationships.

The Attachment Theory was later expanded on by Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist.

The Science of How We Love

The way we learned to relate to our primary caregivers becomes the template for how we approach all intimate relationships throughout our lives.

Recent neuroscience research confirms what Bowlby suspected decades ago.

Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work at UCLA shows that our early attachment experiences literally shape our brain structure, particularly the right hemisphere responsible for emotional regulation and social connection.

These neural pathways, formed before we can even speak, become our default mode for navigating love, trust, and intimacy.

Dr. Amir Levine, author of “Attached,” explains it this way:

“Our attachment system is designed to ensure survival. The strategies we developed as children to maintain connection with our caregivers become automatic responses that we carry into adult relationships, even when they no longer serve us.”

This 20-year longitudinal study published in the Wiley Online Library found that 75% of adults display the same attachment pattern they had as children. This consistency across decades demonstrates just how deeply these early experiences program our relationship blueprint.

The Four Attachment Styles

Your attachment style is like an invisible force that shapes your love life, and all your platonic relationships, alike.

There are four primary attachment styles, and each one creates distinct patterns in how we approach relationships.

Secure Attachment (approximately 60% of adults)

People with a secure attachment style had caregivers who were consistently responsive, emotionally available, and attuned to their needs.

As adults, they find it relatively easy to get close to others, communicate their needs directly, and maintain healthy boundaries.

Anxious Attachment (approximately 20% of adults)

People with an anxious attachment style experienced inconsistent caregiving.

Sometimes their needs were met with warmth and attention, other times they were ignored or dismissed.

As adults, they often crave intimacy but fear abandonment, leading to patterns of pursuing and clinging.

Avoidant Attachment (approximately 15% of adults)

People with an avoidant attachment style learned that emotional needs would likely be dismissed, criticized, or seen as burdensome.

As adults, they value independence and often struggle with emotional intimacy, preferring to maintain distance even in close relationships.

Disorganized Attachment (approximately 5% of adults)

This is the toughest of all the attachment styles, from a clinical psychology standpoint.

People with a disorganized attachment style experienced caregiving that was frightening, chaotic, or traumatic.

As adults, they often want close relationships but simultaneously fear them, creating patterns of approach and avoidance that can feel confusing to both themselves and their partners.

Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters

Understanding your attachment style is like having a GPS for your relationship patterns.

Suddenly, behaviors that seemed random or self-sabotaging make complete sense.

Your attachment style influences far more than romantic relationships. It affects how you navigate friendships, work relationships, parenting, and even your relationship with yourself.

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, notes that “attachment is not just about romantic love. It is about how we regulate our emotions, how we see ourselves in relation to others, and how we navigate the fundamental human need for connection.”

Consider these common scenarios and notice if any feel familiar

You find yourself attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable, then spend months trying to “earn” their love and attention. You meet someone wonderful who treats you well, but you feel bored or suffocated and create distance. You go through cycles of intense closeness followed by sudden withdrawal, leaving partners confused about where they stand. You avoid commitment altogether, convincing yourself you are “not ready” or that the right person just has not come along.

These are adaptive strategies your nervous system developed to navigate relationships based on your earliest experiences of love and safety.

Thank Goodness Love is Neuroplastic!

The beautiful truth about attachment is that you can break the pattern, it is not a life sentence.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains remain capable of forming new neural pathways throughout our lives.

Dr. Dan Siegel’s research shows that we can literally rewire our attachment patterns through conscious awareness and corrective experiences.

Here is what this looks like in practice:

Awareness: Start noticing your patterns without judgment. When do you feel most anxious in relationships? When do you withdraw? What triggers your attachment system?

Mindful Response: When you notice your attachment system activating, pause before reacting. Ask yourself: “Is this response about what is happening now, or what happened then?”

Communication: Practice expressing your attachment needs directly. Instead of pursuing or withdrawing, try saying “I am feeling disconnected and need some reassurance” or “I am feeling overwhelmed and need some space to regulate.”

Corrective Experiences: Seek relationships with people who can provide the security your attachment system craves. This might be a therapist, a secure friend, or a partner willing to grow alongside you.

The goal is not to completely change your attachment style overnight, but to develop what researchers call “earned security.” This means becoming consciously aware of your patterns and learning to respond from choice rather than automatic programming.

I have watched many clients transform their relationships once they understood their attachment blueprint. The woman who always chose unavailable partners learned to recognize secure love when it appeared. The man who pushed everyone away discovered he could maintain his independence while still allowing intimacy. The person caught between pursuing and withdrawing found stability in the middle ground.

Your attachment style is not your destiny. It is simply your starting point for conscious relationship growth.

So, what next?

Understanding attachment theory intellectually is just the beginning. Real transformation happens when you can identify your specific patterns and begin practicing new responses.

If you found yourself recognizing patterns in this article, you are ready to dive deeper.

Over the next few weeks, I will be exploring each attachment style in detail, sharing the specific triggers, behaviors, and healing strategies for anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and earned secure attachment.

The relationship patterns that have followed you your entire life do not have to define your future. With awareness, compassion, and the right tools, you can create the secure, fulfilling connections you have always wanted.

Your attachment system was designed to keep you safe. Now it is time to teach it that you are worthy of the love you seek.

I do not mean to judge the course my friend Salma’s relationship will follow. But knowing her attachment style, I have an idea. I will keep you posted!

Ready to discover your attachment style and start transforming your relationship patterns? You can get my Understanding Attachment Workbook here, to explore more.

I also explore this in my book and you can join the waitlist, here.

Understanding Attachment Theory was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.