The Gen X Trick To Fighting Fair That Every Gen Z-er Needs To Hear

As a Zillennial, I hear one constant refrain from my peers when it comes to marriage and committed relationships: All or nothing. I don’t blame us—the pressures of social media and dating app culture have conditioned us to believe that the Perfect Person is out there. Don’t like the current profile du jour? Well, surely said Person of Your Dreams is just the next swipe away. So why settle? But then…you say, “I do” (or enter into a long-term relationship), and suddenly you’re in the thick of it. And Perfect Person turns out to be…not so perfect. Should you jump ship? Because according to the Dating App Powers That Be, someone better surely exists. But my Gen X mom (whom I affectionately, though also sardonically, call Big Boss) disagrees.

Of course, some things shouldn’t be ignored. Are they cheating? Being dishonest about finances, shared or otherwise? Maybe they’ve just become a totally different person. (True story: A friend of mine has been with her partner for almost a decade, and out of the blue, he had a “life changing experience” that turned his values upside down.) In that case, yes, please, no compromises—get out ASAP. However…if there are things that just give you the ick, like poor fashion choices, the habit of saying “like” or “um” every five words, or rescheduling every so often because they’ve got massive projects at work…hold the phone. These things are sometimes unpleasant but not serious to the nth degree, so here’s Big Boss’s advice. The first part isn’t new: Pick your battles. But the second part is crucial—and, honestly, difficult: Let the rest go.

My parents have been married for over 30 years—a number that seems Gen Z is less likely to hit with every passing day and every new TikTok video dispensing rigid dating advice (I recently came across one such video that espoused the aforementioned rule of never—ever—lowering your standards). But here’s the thing: Big Boss has gone on the record multiple times saying that she and my dad would have definitely been divorced by now if she hadn’t held to that second tenet.

One example: The first year they were married, my dad forgot (!!!) about Valentine’s Day. Because my mom didn’t pick a fight…he then (*face palm*) proceeded to take that as a sign he was off the hook for life. Honestly, TikTok would’ve said dump him!!!! For being “inconsiderate” and “lazy” and “cheap.” But she didn’t. Not that she abhors the idea of getting flowers on Valentine’s Day (she does appreciate the gesture—and for the record, my dad does bring her flowers now), but it was something she was willing to let pass because she valued the relationship and knew that in the grand scheme of things, it was small. My dad showed up in all the ways that really mattered, so that my mom could have what she really wanted in life (and not just one day of the year). If perpetually forgetting Valentine’s Day was the trade off…it wasn’t a bad deal. After all, flowers didn’t put food on the table.

When she recounted this anecdote, there wasn’t a hint of animosity, just the facts. She let it go, no grudge in sight. It was a compromise for what has overall been a fairly successful relationship, and in June they’ll mark their 32nd anniversary.

It’s advice that echoes what Gen X couple Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have figured out after nearly 28 years of marriage (NBD). “I learned something really important, which is to be smart enough to recognize that the things that annoy you about a long-term partner don’t actually matter,” Parker once shared. “Anything that annoys me about Matthew—and trust me, there’s probably a laundry list twice as long of things I do that annoy him—fundamentally, it doesn’t matter.”

So Gen Z, take notes: picking your battles and letting the rest go is timeless wisdom.

Heads Up, Gen Z: TikTok's Pineapple Dating Trend Might Have an Unexpected Ulterior Meaning