Stephen Chandler’s New Rules For Dating

Dating in 2025 is a minefield. The apps that promise connection often feel like they’re built to keep everyone lonely and every new trend highlights another red flag to keep an eye out for. Caught in the tension are young Christians, trying to figure out how to date like Jesus without accidentally joining a cult — or dying alone.

Pastor Stephen Chandler gets it.

As the leader of one of the fast-growing churches in the D.C. area, Chandler spends most of his time pastoring millennial and Gen Z as they try to navigate their most vulnerable, high-stakes decisions — like who to spend their lives with. His new book, The Relationship Roadmap, is packed with brutally honest, faith-informed dating advice. And we’re here for it.

Here are the new rules of dating, straight from the pastor himself:

Rule No. 1: Don’t make life decisions based on fear

A lot of people say they’re waiting on God. But what they’re really doing is stalling because they’re scared.

“I think we’re watching the reaction to a generation that stayed in miserable marriages,” Chandler said. “Now, people are saying, ‘I’d rather be alone than go through that.’ But I always tell people — don’t let fear be your motivation. Don’t make decisions based on what you don’t want. Make them based on what God says is best.”

Rule No. 2: Want a better view of marriage? Change your circle

“If all you see is toxic relationships, of course you’re not excited about marriage,” Chandler said. “You’ve got to be intentional about putting yourself around healthy, godly couples.”

He calls it “holy jealousy” — seeing something beautiful in someone else’s relationship and asking God to do the same for you.

“That’s not coveting,” he said. “That’s hope.” Bad company corrupts good character. And yes, that includes couples who hate each other.

Rule No. 3: Red flags are not a test of your loyalty

Chandler doesn’t pull punches here: “You don’t get to change someone once you marry them. You sign up for who they are on the wedding day. So if you’re seeing major red flags now — like a lack of emotional control, dishonesty or no fruit of a real relationship with God — believe them.”

He even has a rule for emotional stunting: “If someone gets a Ph.D. and doesn’t celebrate, that’s a red flag. If they can’t laugh, can’t process joy, can’t feel the moment — they’re not healthy.”

Rule No. 4: Yellow flags are a sign to slow down, not ghost

“We’ve got to stop canceling people because they don’t check every box,” Chandler said. “There’s a difference between red flags and things that just need more information or clarity.”

He’s talking about the friend who says, “I’d never date someone with a kid,” or the one who filters out anyone who isn’t 6 feet tall, debt-free and driving a Tesla by 26.

“There are some great short kings out there,” Chandler said, laughing. “When I met my wife, I had student loans, made less money than she did and was figuring it out. If she had written me off, we wouldn’t have the life and ministry we have now.”

There’s a difference between “not God’s best” and “not your Pinterest board.”

Rule No. 5: Don’t date your projects

This one’s blunt: “It is not your job to pastor the person you’re dating,” he said.

If someone’s dealing with serious addictions, chronic dishonesty or unresolved trauma they refuse to address, you can pray for them — but not from inside the relationship.

“You’re not called to walk someone into deliverance in a dating relationship,” he said. “If they’re the same person today that they were two years ago, you’re not looking at growth. And that’s a problem.”

His pastoral advice? “Run. For. Your. Life.”

Rule No. 6: Bring back arranged marriages (sort of)

Chandler isn’t proposing a Netflix reboot of Fiddler on the Roof, but he does think there’s wisdom in the biblical model of involving family and community.

“Your heart isn’t as unbiased as you think,” he said. “One good morning text and a little hand-holding, and all your discernment goes out the window.”

That’s why he recommends dating in community — especially with mentors and married couples who’ve been through it.

“Don’t just date around your peers,” he said. “Date around people who’ve been married 10, 15 years and can call out what you’re blind to. And listen when they raise a concern. You don’t have to marry someone because others say yes — but if everyone says no? Slow down.”

Rule No. 7: Yes, you can use dating apps. Just don’t be dumb about it

Chandler isn’t anti-tech — he just wants you to know what you’re walking into.

“Ninety percent of dating apps were built for hookups,” he said. “Ask someone from Gen Alpha which ones are trash and which ones are real. Then do your research.”

And don’t assume “Christian” on the profile means spiritually mature.

“The Bible says to look for fruit,” Chandler said. “That applies to people at church, the gym and yes, even Hinge.”

His advice? Don’t throw out the whole app because one guy lied about his favorite worship song. Needles in haystacks still exist.

Rule No. 8: You’re probably being too picky

Here’s Chandler’s unfiltered litmus test: “If you haven’t been on a date in 12 months, you’re probably being too picky.”

He’s not telling you to say yes to everyone. But if your non-negotiables include a specific race, height or income number — not a range, a number — you might be limiting God more than you’re protecting your heart.

“Be picky about character,” he said. “Be picky about vision and values. But if you’ve created a spouse in your mind and nobody else measures up, you may be blocking a blessing.”

Rule No. 9: Church should be the safest place to date

Chandler says the church needs to stop treating singleness like a waiting room and start being part of the solution.

“Be the place where people can meet safely,” he said. “Throw the cookout. Invite the singles. Play matchmaker.”

More importantly, married people need to start telling the truth. “Your first year might be terrible. Ours was,” he said. “We didn’t know how to handle conflict. We exploded. We went silent. We had to figure it out.”

Chandler says normalizing the hard seasons helps couples push through them. “Marriage has valleys. If no one tells you that, you’ll think you married wrong when year seven gets brutal.”

Rule No. 10: Trust God. But also, collect the jars

Chandler closes with a story from Scripture, and it lands like a mic drop.

“The prophet told the widow to collect jars. God provided the oil, but she had to bring the containers,” he said. “That’s how dating works. Joining a gym, going to small groups, getting on a dating app — those are your jars. God provides the miracle. But you’ve got to show up.”

So yes, hold out for the right person. But in the meantime?

Do the work. Drop the unrealistic checklist. Let your friends set you up. Date in community. Run from red flags. And trust God to bring the right person, at the right time, to build something better than you imagined.