Listen More, Talk Less

Let me tell you.

Remember that one time in life when you were figuring your way in life, it was a struggle, and you would have liked to turn time back and get rid of the pain. Then, some really awesome-looking asshole proceeds to give you a 30-min speech on how you could change your life if you follow their advice.

I love those moments. When you just want to be heard, but you get a lesson. At that point, give me a pencil, a paper, and a test to make sure I didn’t get anything wrong. Lovely! Exciting!

Listen, having advice is probably one of the best things ever. I love advice, well, often times. It taught me to remove my ego from the way and to see perspectives outside myself. To be open to solutions that I wouldn’t have thought of in 100 years. There are times when advice is actually life-changing. When I learn that people I had known my whole life could know so much about a topic. The best part is that you can sense their intentions. Some people, when they give advice, leave you flabbergasted, but others leave you wanting to leave.

I think we will all have a time and place where our advice will be truly appreciated on a certain topic, one day or another. Though I am not here to talk to you about awesome advice. We are here to talk about the people who, when they give advice, you just feel, “Here we go again.”

You know? These people are honestly more annoying than those who don’t listen. It's annoying when someone asks you a question and then ignores everything else you say, or straight up looks like ADHD. I find those people easy to get rid of.
1. You go to a lake,
2. Choke them up,
3. Throw them there. No. You just stop talking to them; it is not like they seem to care, and if they act like it, just tell them the truth: “You don’t listen.” You might say, “Well, I can’t just say that… am to shy…I like people-pleasing.” First, that’s not your job; that’s your lack of value in yourself. Second, they don’t care to please you or value you in any way, so why not? It's not like you shot their family; you gave them a truth that could change their life. Anyway, just remember my phrase, “Not listening is the same thing as not saying it.” Though people who love giving advice or always talking probably value you a lot, no bueno.

Why “no bueno”? Well, let’s finish the point and not get ahead of ourselves.

People think that someone is disrespectful for disagreeing with them or not caring about their advice, and they think that person is self-centered because they never listen or whatever. Let’s see it this way from another perspective: what if the other person thinks you are a self-centered know-it-all that can never stop saying what they think?

This changes the game, doesn’t it?

It used to be all about the person's wrongdoings. How self-centered they are because they wouldn’t remove their egos to listen to you or even take your advice. But isn’t it self-centered of you to think your advice is better than the ways they already have?

Yes, some people have to remove their egos when listening. Some people just won’t listen, but others won’t shut up. People want to justify their knowledge and be the smart one, the trusted one, and the experienced one, and that’s also very self-centered. Maybe you lack value in yourself, and the only way to invalidate that idea is by you subconsciously trying to feel like you are valuable by giving advice. You really have nothing else to offer because you feel like nothing when you’re alone with yourself.

Most people who give advice tend to be controlling. "Controlling" can be a major of various factors, but to me the most logical is insecurity. Because insecurity is not being content with the present or with the future, because deep down you know nothing is going to change. Insecurity tends to cause anxiety, so these people are mirroring their fears on you because they are so scared of uncertainty, since they are not even certain of themselves. It’s not who they want to be; it’s like a second person talking to them, some other second person that has become a regular part of their everyday life. So, when they talk to you, it’s not really them; that is the voice. The voice that has convinced them to live in fear. It was a distraction, later doubts, and now a mindset. It’s like marriage. You stop noticing the difference in your life because it’s been so long. Being without your partner feels uncomfortable. In the same way, this voice has become part of them. Don’t let the disease get to you.

I am to be extremely ironic with my next paragraph. Ready, Set…

I once heard a speech, and it was awesome advice. I would like to share it with you:
“Most people know what they should be doing; it isn’t the how to do it they’re missing, it’s about them.”
It is an inside problem, deep in the roots, that even the best advice feels like it makes them drown. You see a water leak next to the plant, but its roots have been drowning in the ocean.

It can also be embarrassing to the person receiving advice. Or don’t you remember when you were a first grader, and the teacher called your attention in front of all your classmates, while you turned as red as a cherry? You know what the best part about that is. Nowadays, people with serious problems hide their problems behind a curtain because they can’t be honest. Too embarrassed to say it, too overwhelmed to change it, too lost to go back.

Look, not my advice, but what works for me, and yeah, I think you are going to agree with me, because science agrees with me. The best conversations, the really deep conversations, don’t happen stumbling; they happen naturally, they just flow.

So if you want to fix someone really badly, which is not your job, flow with them. When you flow, you can be like water, Bruce Lee said:

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

― Bruce Lee.

That’s why the best friends get the best conversations, but we wouldn’t do it with other people. It is a flow, and it doesn’t always happen. That’s what makes the best, best.

Listen More, Talk Less was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.