New

If You Were Raised By An Emotionally Distant Parent, You’ll Relate To These 4 Traits, A Psychologist Says

Although we all come into this world wired with certain personalities and character traits, it’s a universal truth that we learn a lot from our parents. And that includes everything around emotions: how to communicate emotions with others, leverage emotional support when it’s needed and hold back emotions—for better or for worse. These are traits that we are not only actively learning as children, but are also imprinted on us and continue far into adulthood.

According to a 2024 report from the Pew Research Center, 31% of young adults aged 18 to 34 say that they rely on their parents for emotional support “a great deal or a fair amount.” But in the book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer, PhD, a study reported that among surveyed Americans aged 18 and older, 27% are currently estranged from a relative, with 10% reporting an “active estrangement” from a parent or child, per the Cornell Chronicle. That means that a lot of people might not be receiving the emotional support they need from a parent—and maybe they never really did in the first place.

One thing that can drive a wedge between parent and child is something known as “emotional distance.” One psychologist shares with Parade the definition of this term and four common traits of people who were raised by an emotionally distant parent. Plus, how these traits might be showing up for you today.

Related: 7 Phrases Emotionally Unavailable People Use To Keep You at a Distance, Psychologists Say

What Is 'Emotional Distance'?

LittleBee80/Getty Images

Dr. Lisa Masse, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and the Regional Testing Director for New England for LifeStance Health, leading the psychological and neuropsychological testing team. She says that someone who is emotionally distant might be described as someone who is “struggling to identify their own feelings as well as recognize the feelings of others.”

“An emotionally distant parent might have a hard time taking the perspective of their child and struggle to validate or show empathy in some situations, particularly when intense feelings, such as anger or grief, are involved,” Dr. Masse goes on to say.

She says that for instance, an emotionally distant parent might tell a child to “Stop crying,” “Get over it,” or, “It’s not a big deal,” as opposed to validating their child’s feelings and providing comfort and support.

“An emotionally distant parent might also have difficulty expressing their own feelings, which can hinder an emotional connection with their child, among others in their life,” she says. “A child in this situation might feel that their parent is detached or not consistently emotionally available.”

Related: People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists

4 Common Traits of People Raised by Emotionally Distant Parents, According to a Psychologist

1. You have difficulties in relationships

If the above definition sounds a lot like one or both of your parents, you might be displaying the impacts of this form of parenting in your daily life. For example, if you were raised by an emotionally distant parent, you might notice that some elements of social connection feel hard or uncomfortable for you, as Dr. Masse says.

Additionally, she says that attachment in adult relationships might feel hard for you, as you might tend to be either overly dependent on a friend or partner for attention or hyperindependent, remaining closed off from others and preferring to do things on your own.

2. You can’t put your feelings into words

Much like how one or both of your parents struggled to communicate their emotions, according to Dr. Masse, you might find yourself struggling to verbalize your thoughts, feelings or needs, which can negatively impact your relationships with others.

3. You need validation

Alternatively, “you might seek connection and validation from others in an attempt to meet your needs that were not met as a child,” Dr. Masse adds.

4. You struggle with self-esteem

Dr. Masse says that some people who were raised by an emotionally distant parent might struggle with their self-esteem and sense of self, questioning their own worth and ability to be loved.

Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by an Emotionally Immature Father, According to a Psychologist

How To Heal from Emotionally Distant Parenting

If you’re dealing with one, some or all of these traits, daily life might be tough going at times. That’s why Dr. Masse says that seeking psychotherapy can help you work to build healthy attachments and develop skills to nurture relationships.

“Therapy can also help you cope with feelings related to your upbringing and family of origin,” she notes.

Up Next:

Sources:

Lisa Masse, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Regional Testing Director for New England for LifeStance Health.
Pew Research Center: “Young adults’ relationship with their parents”
Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them: Study by Dr. Karl Pillemer

Back to Listing

credit: