I Used To Be A ‘nice’ Girl – But It Left Me Depressed And Burnt Out

Did you know that the word “nice” originally meant something foolish or ignorant? It comes from the Latin word nescius, which meant to not know something, and not in a good way (i.e. ignorance).

From there, it entered the English language through middle French, where it took on a meaning of being foolish or silly. For example, in 1657, the poet George Daniel wrote, “Prye not into his secrets; ’tis a nice And foolish Itch ”.

Interestingly, before it settled into its current meaning of being pleasant and agreeable, from the 14th to the 18th centuries, it also meant someone who was weak and cowardly. It was often employed to mock a man for exhibiting overly feminine behaviours. John Florio used it like this to ridicule a man for being “an effeminate, nice, milkesop, puling fellow” in 1598.

Why am I telling you this? For me, knowing something of the etymological history of the word “nice” helps explain my raging antipathy towards it.

It’s not that I think being polite and agreeable are bad things, far from it. Polite and agreeable both have their place, but the entire concept of niceness is utterly suffocating, and holds us back, especially women.

We have all been raised on the doctrines of nice, but far from creating a world of polite and agreeable humans, its pernicious influence fosters submissive compliance, rampant people pleasing, and a seething resentment in the long term.

Yes, it’s nice to be nice, but nice also means that you will do just about anything to avoid confrontation and will put everyone else’s needs above your own. Nice is completely out of control and it’s time to kick it into the grass. To my mind, it hasn’t shaken off its original meaning. It is silly, foolish, and cowardly; what’s more, nice is still a behaviour we continue to foist on women to ensure they do not stand up for themselves as a man would do.

Before I am accused of being a grade A psychopath, ranting about human empathy being a “weakness,” I better explain what I mean.

Being nice isn’t the same thing as being kind. It’s far more passive than that. Nice is about placating and soothing someone else, so they think well of you. Being kind, however, is an assertive and often radical act.

You will often experience discomfort while doing the kind and right thing because it will involve a confrontation of some sort. Take parenting, for example. We do not parent small children by being nice to them but by being kind. This will often mean that the child does not get what they want the entire time and will, on occasion, be very angry with the person looking after them. “No, you may not eat that firework.” “No, you cannot drive mummy’s car when you’re seven,” and so forth.

Nice is when you don’t express your own needs because you don’t want to risk upsetting someone else. It’s taking on more than you should at work because you wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re not a team player. Nice is smiling manically at the man chatting you up in the bar because you are scared to say no and hurt his feelings. Nice is artificial and only breeds resentment in the long term.

Women are socialised from a very early age to be nice above all things. I can recall being told to “be nice” on many occasions by family members, teachers, and even by my friends. I remember dinner ladies saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. In the playground, we would sing, “sugar and spice and all things nice, that’s what little girls are made of”. All of it, reinforcing the message that little girls should be good, be quiet, be nice.

And when you’re not being told to be nice, loud and assertive behaviour is checked in girls by telling them not to be “bossy”. I was called bossy a lot as a child. It’s funny, but I can’t recall any boys being called bossy.

The problem with all this nice conditioning is that we grow up, still holding on to the same messages. Suddenly, the nice girl persona must navigate the world of work and adult relationships, and if all you have to offer is “nice”, you are going to burn out very quickly.

I burnt out being nice as a young woman trying to make my way in the world of academia, an environment where unpaid labour and overtime are rife. Saying yes to everything and never rocking the boat only resulted in my having an unmanageable workload, zero work-life balance, and depression. And it didn’t get me a promotion or help me advance my career.

That’s the thing nobody tells you about nice: you won’t ever be rewarded for it. You probably won’t even be noticed for it, but as soon as I started asserting some boundaries, speaking up for myself, and putting forward my ideas at work, things started to improve immediately.

Nice is such a limiting character trait, not to mention a very basic one. I like to think of niceness as being the default setting, rather than a highlight. I see women struggling with nice people all around me, and it is very difficult to break free. After all, who doesn’t want to be thought of as being nice? But once you realise that nice and kind are not the same thing, it starts to get a little easier.

Niceness would have us all politely nodding along and never speaking up in the hope that we are universally liked. But niceness is not authentic; it is pretend. It’s a make-believe game that will keep you from articulating who you really are. Don’t play it. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be kind, respectful, and polite, but you don’t have to be nice. You’re far more interesting than that.