I Sabotaged Every Relationship, Because I Felt Unlovable. How I Broke The Toxic Pattern.

1. “I Destroyed Every Relationship Because I Didn’t Feel Worthy of Love.”

Part of the “As Told to Bolde” series. Have a story to share? Contact pitch@thebolde.com

Meet Rachel, 44. She shares how a lifetime of feeling unworthy of love sabotaged every relationship.

“I decided early I was unlovable. As a kid, I was the ‘quiet one’ who preferred to be invisible. My parents were very controlling and always put me down, and along the way, I picked up the message that I didn’t matter. That belief followed me into adulthood, shaping every relationship. If someone got too close, I found a way to sabotage it—picking fights, shutting down, or cheating before they could.

The turning point came when a close friend told me I was in self-sabotage mode and living out a toxic self-fulfilling prophecy. It hit me like a brick. I’d spent years reinforcing a narrative that wasn’t even true. I started therapy, forced myself to sit with my fears and insecurities, and engaged in radical self-acceptance and self-love. It wasn’t easy, but it works.”—Rachel Delaney, Chicago.

Continue reading about how self-sabotage plays out in relationships and how to practice self-love instead >>

2. Realize Your Brain Tricks You Into Expecting Rejection

Your brain has built a fortress of protection based on your earliest experiences. Those moments when you felt unwanted or pushed aside have wired your neural pathways to stay on high alert, constantly scanning for signs that you’re about to be abandoned again. This isn’t your fault—it’s your brain doing what it thought would keep you safe.

But now that same protective mechanism is sabotaging your chance at real connection and, according to The Attachment Project, showing up as abandonment issues. When someone shows genuine interest, your brain floods with doubt, whispering that it’s only a matter of time before they see the “real you” and leave. Recognizing this pattern is your first step toward rewiring those responses and understanding that your brain’s warnings about rejection aren’t always based on reality.

3. Spot Your Self-Sabotage Before It Ruins Another Connection

We all have tell-tale signs when we’re about to torpedo a good thing. Maybe you pick fights over nothing, suddenly become distant when things get serious, or focus obsessively on minor flaws in your partner. As Psychology Today notes, these behaviors seem to come out of nowhere, but they actually follow a predictable pattern unique to you.

Start paying attention to your early warning signals—the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that show up right before you push someone away. Do you feel a sudden urge to test them? Do you become convinced they’re hiding something? The sooner you can identify your self-sabotage sequence, the sooner you can interrupt it. Creating this awareness gives you precious moments of choice rather than blindly following your old programming.

4. Break Free From The Story You Tell Yourself About Love

That narrative running through your head about how relationships always end in heartbreak? It’s just a story, not a prophecy. You’ve been telling yourself this tale for so long that it feels like established fact, but it’s actually just your interpretation of past experiences projected onto the future.

Challenge this story by asking yourself what evidence you have that all relationships are doomed. Are you focusing only on painful endings while dismissing the beautiful middles? Are you comparing potential partners to impossible standards based on your fears? Breaking free means consciously crafting a new narrative where love can be trustworthy, where you are worthy of staying power. It won’t feel natural at first—old stories rarely surrender without a fight—but with practice, a healthier story can take root.

5. Heal The Parts Of You That Feel Unworthy Of Affection

Inside you exists the younger version of yourself (referred to as your “inner child” by the Clevland Clinic) who internalized the message that you weren’t quite enough to be loved completely. This wounded part still influences how you approach relationships today. And it makes you believe you need to earn love through performance or perfection.

Healing begins by acknowledging this hurt part rather than burying it deeper. Speak to this younger self with the compassion you wish someone had shown you then. What words needed to be heard? What reassurance would have made all the difference? By nurturing these fragile parts of yourself, you gradually reduce their power to sabotage your adult relationships. Remember that worthiness isn’t something you achieve—it’s your birthright that was temporarily obscured by painful experiences.

6. Stop Testing Partners Until They Fail

When trust feels foreign, you might unconsciously create tests that even the most devoted partner could never pass which, according to Psychology Today, just sets you up for disappointment. You push boundaries, withdraw affection, or create no-win scenarios, all to confirm your suspicion that they’ll eventually leave anyay. It’s like setting a relationship obstacle course with an impossible finish line.

This testing isn’t about gathering information—it’s about seeking confirmation of your worst fears. Notice when you’re manufacturing problems or impossible standards as “proof” of your partner’s commitment. Real trust isn’t about passing tests; it’s built through consistent presence over time. Your partner deserves the chance to show up for you without being subjected to hidden evaluations they don’t know they’re taking.

7. Learn To Trust Again After A Lifetime Of Disappointment

Trust isn’t an on-off switch—it’s a muscle that atrophies when unused and strengthens with consistent exercise. After years of disappointment, your trust muscle may be severely weakened, making even small leaps of faith feel exhausting and dangerous.

Start rebuilding by practicing trust in low-stakes situations first. Notice when someone follows through on small promises or remains consistent in minor ways. Allow yourself to acknowledge these moments instead of dismissing them as exceptions. Building trust after betrayal happens in tiny increments, not grand gestures. Each time you choose to believe someone might actually mean what they say, you’re healing your capacity for connection, one microscopic risk at a time.

8. Rewrite Your Inner Dialogue About Relationships

The constant commentary running through your mind shapes how you interpret every interaction. When your internal narrator is stuck in patterns of suspicion and doubt, even loving gestures get translated as threats or preludes to abandonment. This biased interpretation system colors everything you experience.

Try catching your automatic thoughts when someone shows you affection. Do you immediately search for hidden agendas? Do you discount compliments as mere politeness? Challenge these thoughts by considering alternative interpretations. What if their kindness is genuine? What if they actually see value in you that you’ve been blind to? Rewriting your inner dialogue isn’t about forced positivity—it’s about considering multiple possible meanings rather than defaulting to the most painful one.

9. Move Beyond The Familiar Comfort Of Ruining Good Things

There’s a strange comfort in following familiar patterns, even destructive ones. At least you know how the story ends when you’re the one controlling the demolition. Creating chaos feels safer than surrendering because it gives you the illusion of power over pain.

The most courageous choice you can make is to allow something good to unfold without interfering. Yes, it’s terrifying to relinquish control, to stand in the uncertainty of potential happiness. But choosing growth means tolerating this discomfort rather than retreating to the false safety of self-sabotage. What waits on the other side of this discomfort isn’t guaranteed, but it holds possibilities your old patterns never allowed you to experience.

10. Recognize When Your Protection Mechanisms Are Hurting You

The walls you built to keep the pain out are now keeping love out too. Those defense systems that once saved you—emotional detachment, preemptive rejection, keeping parts of yourself hidden—have outlived their usefulness. In childhood, they were brilliant adaptations that helped you survive. Now they’re preventing you from thriving.

Take inventory of your protection mechanisms with compassion rather than judgment. How does emotional unavailability protect you? What does constant vigilance shield you from? Thanking these defenses for their service before gently retiring them acknowledges their importance while creating space for healthier alternatives. You needed these shields then; you need connection now.

11. Understand Why Accepting Love Feels Terrifying

When you’ve spent years braced for rejection, genuine acceptance can feel like the most threatening experience of all. Love requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels like danger when your nervous system is programmed to associate openness with wounding. That’s why panic often strikes precisely when someone treats you well.

This paradoxical fear makes perfect sense given your history. Your system needs time to adjust to safety after being calibrated for threats. The discomfort you feel when someone genuinely cares isn’t a warning sign—it’s a growth sign, evidence that you’re stretching beyond familiar territory. Breathe through these moments of terror, reminding yourself that new experiences always feel alien before they become comfortable.

12. Practice Sitting With Discomfort Instead Of Running

Your instinct when relationship anxiety hits is to escape—through conflict, ghosting, numbing, or any behavior that provides immediate relief. But lasting change happens when you learn to stay present with uncomfortable feelings without acting on them impulsively. This is the emotional equivalent of building muscle through resistance training.

Start with small doses of discomfort. When uncertainty arises, can you sit with it for five minutes before responding? Can you name the physical sensations without being hijacked by them? Developing this capacity doesn’t mean you’ll never feel anxious again—it means you’ll develop confidence in your ability to weather emotional storms without capsizing the relationship. Each time you choose presence over escape, you’re creating new neural pathways.

13. See How Your Past Isn’t Your Relationship Future

Your history has shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your destiny. The patterns you’ve experienced in previous relationships were created through specific dynamics with specific people under specific circumstances. They’re data points, not inevitable outcomes.

Future relationships can follow entirely different trajectories because they involve different people—including the evolving version of you. As you grow more aware and intentional, you bring new capabilities to each connection. The person who felt perpetually abandoned can become someone who creates stability. The one who never felt good enough can learn to receive love fully. Your past provided lessons, not limitations, and with each conscious choice, you’re already writing a different story.

14. Give Yourself Permission To Be Loved Without Conditions

Deep down, you might believe love must be earned through achievement, appearance, or accommodation of others’ needs above your own. This transactional view of love keeps you constantly striving, never arriving at a place where you can simply be valued for your essence rather than your efforts.

Try this radical experiment: what if you already deserve love exactly as you are? Not when you’re more successful, not when you’re “fixed,” not when you’ve atoned for past mistakes—but right now, in your beautiful imperfection. This isn’t about lowering standards or accepting mistreatment. It’s about recognizing that genuine love sees your wholeness, flaws and all, and chooses you anyway. The most transformative permission you can give yourself is to be loved without performing for it because you already are enough.

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