How Childhood Coping Traits Affect Our Adult Relationships
The very traits that once helped individuals survive a dysfunctional childhood often become the same ones that create tension and pain in adult relationships.1,2 Here are some of the most common patterns I see in my work with clients, and how they tend to show up later in life.
1. Denial of toxic behaviors: Many people have to stay in denial to survive. However, this is also why so many survivors of abuse go on to enter relationships that mimic the behaviors they were exposed to in childhood. It can also make it difficult to develop self-awareness of these behaviors.
2. Suppressing feelings or dissociation: Shutting down emotionally was likely once necessary to protect them from pain. But in adulthood, it can leave partners feeling disconnected or shut out.
3. High achievement or perfectionism: Striving to be perfect, or at least to appear to be, is a common trait that many survivors develop to avoid punishment. But it often leads to burnout and unhappiness in adulthood, especially if they feel like they are never allowed to rest or make mistakes.
4. Avoiding close relationships: Understandably, this is often done as a way to avoid the pain that comes from getting close to others. Many survivors avoid relationships as a way to avoid getting hurt, but this can lead to loneliness.
5. Jumping from relationship to relationship: It is common for survivors who were neglected or abandoned to move quickly from relationships to avoid the pain that comes from being alone or feeling unwanted. This can become a temporary fix that can turn into avoidance of difficult or uncomfortable feelings.
6. Having unhealthy boundaries: Most dysfunctional families have unhealthy boundaries; it is common for survivors to grow up without them. This can understandably cause frustration and imbalance in relationships, especially with those who have healthier boundaries. Many of my clients feel rejected or shamed when others put up a boundary.
7. The need to fix or care for others: Many people learned to manage chaos by becoming caretakers. In childhood, it may have felt as if they could fix their parents they would be safer. But in adulthood, this is often why so many people enter mutually dependent relationships where they get stuck trying to rescue others.
8. Difficulty trusting others: When the people who were supposed to protect us were unsafe, it is normal that we struggle to trust others.
9. People-pleasing: Many survivors learned that pleasing parents or caregivers was necessary to gain approval and to ensure safety. In adulthood, they may carry the belief that trying to keep others happy can feel like the only way to stay safe or loved. Many of my clients struggle to break free of constant people-pleasing, largely due to the anxiety and fear that comes from disappointing or upsetting others.
10. Easily angered and ready to protect oneself: When you’ve had to defend yourself constantly, anger can become something that stays with you as a form of protection. In relationships, this reactivity or defensiveness can make partners feel uncomfortable or intimidated, and it can make healthy self-reflection and repair difficult.
In my work with clients, we focus on building self-awareness around these traits and reframing them as coping and survival mechanisms rather than flaws. I encourage them to practice self-compassion for the adaptations they developed to survive difficult circumstances. Once self-compassion is established, they can begin exploring new, healthier coping skills that feel safer and more supportive.
Here is a reflection exercise to help with this process:
- Take a moment and think about what you would say to that child who needed to develop these traits. Reassure them that they did what they needed to survive, which was strong and admirable.
2. Next, reassure them that they no longer need to exhibit any traits that are no longer serving them. They are now safe to explore other ways of getting their needs met.
Excerpted, in part, from Guided Reflection Journal for Cycle Breakers
