Empaths: Stop Being A Fixer In Relationships And Start Receiving Love

As a fellow empath, I get you. I know that you are the one who feels everything deeply, who can sense when someone’s hurting from across the room, who instinctively wants to make everything better for everyone around you. Your empathy is a superpower, but it’s also the reason you keep missing one of the most glaring red flags in dating.

The red flag? When someone consistently makes their problems your responsibility to solve.

Listen, we both know you have this incredible ability to feel what others are feeling. When they’re in pain, you literally feel their pain. When they’re anxious, your nervous system picks up on it. This isn’t your imagination… it’s how you’re wired.

But here’s where it gets tricky. Because you can feel their distress so acutely, you automatically assume that helping them is the loving, caring thing to do. You think, “If I don’t help them, who will?” or “They really need me right now.”

This is self-abandonment disguised as love.

I don’t think you even realize that you are abandoning your own needs, boundaries, peace of mind, and energy reserves because their emotional state feels more urgent than your own well-being. You’ve been conditioned to believe that putting others first is what makes you a good person, a good partner.

But real love… healthy love… doesn’t require you to constantly sacrifice yourself.

The “Fixer” Trap (And Why You Keep Falling Into It)

Let me guess: you’ve been the “fixer” in your family, friend group, or past relationships for as long as you can remember. Maybe you were the kid who mediated your parents’ fights, or the friend everyone called when they needed advice, or the sibling who cleaned up everyone else’s messes.

This pattern feels normal to you because it is normal… for you. But just because something feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

When you date from this “fixer” energy, you unconsciously attract people who need fixing. It’s like wearing a sign that says “Emotional Support Available 24/7.” And trust me, people who want to avoid doing their own emotional work will find you every single time.

We all go through struggles and want support from our partner, but when there is a pattern of complaining with no action and looking for others to save them without making an effort, this is a red flag.​​

Here’s an example: One of my clients kept attracting men who were “going through a rough patch.” There was the guy who was “almost ready” to leave his toxic job but needed her constant encouragement.

The one who was “working on” his anxiety, but called her every time he felt overwhelmed, never doing the work to find his own tools. The one who was “trying to get his life together” but somehow always needed her help to figure out basic adulting tasks.

My client thought she was being supportive. In reality, she was enabling their avoidance of personal growth while exhausting herself in the process.

Here it is, plain and simple: If someone consistently brings you their problems but rarely asks about yours, that’s not love that’s using.

Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Yes, there will be times when one person needs more support than the other. But over time, there should be a natural give and take. You should feel like your partner is genuinely interested in your inner world, not just what you can do for theirs.

Ask yourself: Do they check in on your emotional state as much as you check in on theirs? When you’re having a bad day, do they offer the same level of support you give them? Do they remember the things you’ve shared about your struggles and follow up on them? Can you be vulnerable with them without it somehow becoming about their issues?

If you’re answering “no” to most of these questions, you’re not in a partnership. You’re in a caretaking arrangement.

Attracting emotionally unavailable partners and want to break the cycle? Watch below!

Beyond the obvious emotional exhaustion, this pattern is costing you something much deeper: your sense of self.

When you’re constantly focused on managing someone else’s emotional world, you lose touch with your own. You stop knowing what you actually want, what you actually need, what actually brings you joy. Your own dreams, goals, and desires take a backseat to their crisis of the week.

You might find yourself thinking things like “I don’t even remember what I used to do for fun,” or “I feel like I’m always on edge, waiting for the next emergency,” or “I give so much to others but feel empty inside,” or “I don’t know who I am when I’m not helping someone.”

This is what self-abandonment looks like. And it doesn’t make you noble or selfless. It makes you unavailable to the kind of love you actually deserve.

How to Stop Being the Fixer

1. Pause Before You Rescue

The next time someone brings you their crisis, take a breath before you jump into fix-it mode. Ask yourself: “Is this actually my problem to solve?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is no.

You can still be supportive without taking on the responsibility of fixing it. Try responses like “That sounds really tough. What do you think you’re going to do about it?” or “I believe in your ability to figure this out” or “That’s a lot to deal with. Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?”

2. Set Time Boundaries on Problem-Solving Conversations

It’s okay to say, “I have about 15 minutes to talk right now” or “I’m not in a headspace to dive deep into this tonight, but let’s schedule time to talk about it tomorrow.”

Your emotional energy is finite and precious. Treat it that way.

3. Notice the Reciprocity Pattern

Start paying attention to the balance of emotional labor in your relationships. Keep a mental note of who’s doing most of the sharing, most of the supporting, most of the checking in.

If it’s consistently you, that’s data – not a character flaw on your part.

4. Practice Sharing Your Own Struggles

This might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to being the one who has it all together. But part of building healthy relationships is allowing others to support you too.

Share something you’re struggling with and see how they respond. Do they give you their full attention? Do they offer support? Do they follow up later? Or do they somehow make it about themselves?

Their response will tell you everything you need to know.

5. Redirect Your Fixing Energy Toward Yourself

All that energy you’ve been putting into solving other people’s problems? It’s time to turn some of that toward your own life.

What areas of your life need attention? What dreams have you put on hold? What would you be doing with your time and energy if you weren’t constantly managing someone else’s emotional world?

What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like

I know this might be hard to hear, but the right person won’t need you to fix them. They’ll be doing their own emotional work, going to therapy if they need it, and taking responsibility for their own healing journey.

Healthy love feels like two whole people choosing to build something together, with mutual support that flows both ways. It means being able to be yourself without constantly managing someone else’s emotions, feeling energized by the relationship more often than drained, and having space for your own growth and goals.

You don’t have to earn love by being useful. You don’t have to prove your worth by solving problems. You are lovable exactly as you are, not because of what you can do for someone else.

The people who are meant for you will appreciate your caring nature without exploiting it. They’ll see your empathy as one of many wonderful qualities you bring to the relationship, not as a service they’re entitled to.

So the next time you feel that familiar pull to fix, rescue, or save someone, pause and ask yourself: “Am I showing up as a partner or as a therapist?” The answer will tell you everything you need to know about whether this relationship is worth your precious energy.

You deserve love that adds to your life, not love that requires you to shrink yourself to make room for someone else’s chaos. Don’t settle for less. And if you need support to build better boundaries around these dating patterns, I’m here to help. Book a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.

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