Dating Coach: Why Do Women Ghost Me As Soon As We Start Talking?

Welcome to AskMen’s latest column, Dating Coach, a monthly exploration of the difficulties guys face when it comes to modern dating. We’ve got a real, actual dating coach in Connell Barrett walking guys like you through everything from the most basic of the basics to the most pro of the pro tips. The Question I’m a 33-year-old high school math teacher. I want marriage and a family! On the apps, I’m respectful and positive! I ask about her day. A lot of women give me their numbers, but once we start texting, they disappear! I don’t send dick pics or anything. I’m just trying to be a good guy, but I get ghosted all the time! Am I doing something wrong?—Left on Read The Answer You’re a math teacher, so let me crunch some numbers: I count four exclamation points in your question. I think I found your texting problem: You’re coming in hotter than a Golden Retriever who got into the Red Bull. Imagine if my reply started this way: “Great question! How are you?! Here’s my answer!” I’d seem too eager, right? The same thing is happening with women you’re texting. I know how frustrating it feels to think you’re doing everything right and you still get ghosted. I’ve been there. Way back when, I saw more ghosts than Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” (Which is ironic, because at least his ghosts actually showed up.) But here’s the equation you’re missing: Too much enthusiasm + Zero playfulness = Instant ghosting. You’re coming across like a guy who needs a date, not a confident man having a light, fun interaction. That’s not flirting. It’s emotional spam. (“Last Chance to Meet Me—Offer Ends Tonight!”) And it pushes women away. As a dating coach of 14 years, I can tell you that men in highly logical careers (math, engineering, computer science) tend to struggle with messaging women. You can solve for X all day long, but solving for “charming banter” is harder than advanced calculus. (At least there are textbooks for calculus. For flirting help, you’re stuck with ChatGPT and a bunch of angry guys on Reddit.) Logic and facts come easily to guys like you. But women aren’t looking for someone to prove the Pythagorean theorem on a first date. Flirting requires a different kind of math. Not knowing what to write, many men overcorrect by being extra upbeat, which reads to women as too eager, maybe even desperate. Or guys ask clichéd questions (“How’s your day?”) that women find fatiguing. The good news? You can get better at messaging women. My four-part texting philosophy is super simple. Here it is: Play, Play, Play, Go for It! Most of your text messages should be playful. Give a playful compliment, tell a playful joke, or make a playful observation. Do this and you’ll get playful responses right back. And after some banter, you “go for it” and ask her out. Why does this work? Because texting is flirting, and flirting is—at its core—playing. The dictionary defines flirting as “playing at love.” In the courtship phase of dating, that’s what most of your texts should be. Playful. So… DON’T WRITE: “I see you play piano? Cool! How long have you been into it?” DO WRITE: “I see you play piano? Cool... OK, what song would you play to wow the judges on ‘America’s Got Talent’?” Notice the difference? The first text asks an informational question, while the second question has emotion and a “what if” sense of play. Playfulness signals ease, confidence, and zero desperation. It shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously and that meeting you might be fun. And women hate boring dates. A light texting vibe tells them, “He may or may not be Mr. Right, but he won’t be Mr. Dull.” And that gets you dates. When it comes to applying this philosophy, ask yourself: “How can I make this message fun?” There are many ways. You could share a playful compliment: “You run marathons? That’s so impressive… Should I start training now, or can I just drive alongside you with snacks and encouragement?” You could make a playful observation: “So you’re a teacher + a horror movie fan. Let me guess—you read Stephen King novels to your students to terrify them?” You could give her a playful quiz: “Pop quiz, pizza lover: Thin crust or deep dish? Careful… there’s only ONE right answer.” Aim to exchange a total of five to 10 playful texts with her, then feel free to ask her out. Think of it this way: You wouldn’t teach your students algebra by just showing them the answer—you’d make it engaging, even fun. The same principle applies here. When it’s time to go for it, you can keep things playful. This text might appeal to your number-crunching mind: “Here’s a quick math problem: (Handsome Teacher) + (Charming Woman) + [Her Number] = Friday Night Tapas. Can you help me balance this equation? ;)” I’m a movie nerd, so I like to think of texting as the trailer, and the date as the feature film. If the coming attractions are flat, she won’t want to see the movie—and you’ll get ghosted. But when your texts are fun, she’ll want a front-row seat. You may be thinking, “But I’m not naturally playful!” I beg to differ. You were a kid once. You played games with your friends. You teased each other. That inner child is still in there. Tap into that. Remember: Play, Play, Play, Go for It! Keep most texts light and fun, then ask her out. Just make sure you’re being authentic, because that’s your most attractive self. That’s who the right woman will fall for. So, some final math. SOLVE FOR DATES: Authentic You + Playful Texting = Women Wanting to Meet You IRL Time to bring the playfulness. That’s how you stop getting ghosted and start getting dates. 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