A Dating Worksheet For Feminists

Most forms of discrimination against women, in most westernized nations, are officially banned. Romantic relationships provide a loophole, allowing patriarchy to control women and constrain their life options without technical legislative distinctions between men and women. In the context of romantic relationships, violence against women is effectively legal, almost never prosecuted, and frequently highly beneficial to men.

This is why in a patriarchy, women are socialized from birth to seek out relationships with men, to fear being alone, and to over-value men’s opinions.

Dating benefits men. It is the riskiest thing a woman can do in a patriarchy. Roughly 1 in 3 men say they would rape a woman if they could get away with it. Another third admit to engaging in coercive control. And almost all women have experienced multiple forms of abuse from multiple men.

Any other activity that had a 1 in 3 risk of violence and a lifetime near-certainty of abuse would be considered far too dangerous. Your safest option as a woman is to not date men at all.

But patriarchal socialization is a powerful drug. The drive to find a partner is deeply embedded in our psyches, and the rush of a new romantic relationship can be intense.

If you are going to date men, there is nothing you can do to guarantee your own safety. Like driving in a car, the danger is baked into the activity. But also like driving a car, there are risk mitigation strategies that can help you avoid many bad men, and make it easier to escape if your partner turns abusive.

My readers have been asking me for years for dating advice, and my most important dating advice remains the same: Don’t do it.

If you’re going to proceed anyway, what’s most important is to prevent your emotions from overtaking your rational mind and values. I developed this dating worksheet as a harm reduction strategy. It is not a promise that you can avoid abusive relationships, because you cannot. Instead, the goal here is to help you recognize them earlier and better identify your own needs.

You can do this by putting the facts about your dates on paper, and considering what you want before you begin dating. This prevents you from slowly downgrading your expectations.

This dating worksheet includes a printable worksheet you can download, as well as comprehensive instructions for using this worksheet.

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