5 Relationship Experts Share Their Best Advice For Building A Healthy Love Life

There’s no shortage of dating advice out there. You can find it on TikTok, in DMs from well-meaning friends or even printed on coffee mugs: “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” But beneath all the clichés, real wisdom about love is harder to find. So we went straight to the source.

From licensed counselors to pastors and authors, these five relationship experts have helped thousands of people navigate the complicated world of modern dating. Their advice cuts through the noise and offers a roadmap for building healthy relationships that can actually go the distance.

1. Debra Fileta: Don’t Lose Yourself While Falling in Love

Debra Fileta, licensed counselor and author of True Love Dates, knows firsthand that the healthiest relationships start with a healthy sense of self. Before she met her husband, she says, she didn’t know who fit into her life because she didn’t know who she was.

“We encouraged each other to remain our true selves, even as we were getting to know each other,” she says. “We were honest with who we were, our likes and dislikes, our thoughts and feelings—even when we didn’t always agree.”

Her point is simple but essential: Don’t morph into whoever you think your partner wants. The best relationships are built on authenticity and patience.

“Time is always on your side,” she says. “A person’s true colors will always shine brighter with each and every passing day.”

2. Kait Tomlin: Date From Wholeness, Not Need

Kait Tomlin, author, speaker and host of The Heart of Dating podcast, has built her platform on helping people date from a place of security instead of scarcity. Her advice? Stop dating to fill a void.

“When you date from a place of need, you make someone else responsible for your healing,” she says. “But when you date from wholeness, you can give love freely instead of trying to get it.”

Tomlin encourages singles to do the inner work first—naming wounds, setting boundaries and cultivating contentment in singleness—so they don’t project unmet needs onto someone else.

“Wholeness doesn’t mean perfection,” she says. “It means you’re aware of who you are and you know that your worth doesn’t come from someone choosing you.”

It’s a perspective that reframes dating not as a desperate search but as a healthy partnership between two emotionally mature people who already know they’re enough.

3. Eric Demeter: Date Intentionally—Not Emotionally

Eric Demeter, author of How Should a Christian Date?, says most of us have been conditioned to chase feelings, not wisdom.

“Helpful advice has some action in it,” he says. “It gives you things to actually do.”

His first step? Rethink your list. That idealized checklist of traits you’re clinging to might be more about you than your future partner.

“Lists will always reveal more about us than they ever will about someone else,” he says. “Hold on to your list loosely. Write most items in pencil, not in pen.”

Demeter also warns against letting emotion lead the way.

“Lead your heart; don’t let it lead you,” he says.

Taking things slowly—building trust before intimacy and clarity before commitment—protects both people.

“Enticing activities like holding hands and kissing become tantamount to emotional Super Glue,” he says. “Take an unhurried approach.”

4. Dr. Dharius Daniels: Use Dating for Data

Dr. Dharius Daniels, pastor and author of Relational Intelligence, sees dating not as a game but as research.

“Use dating for data,” he says. “If people were more intentional about getting some data, then they would be able to make a more informed decision about whether or not they feel emotionally safe with that person.”

Daniels says one of the biggest mistakes people make today is underestimating the power of emotional attachments.

“There is this assumption that you can casually date without making emotional attachments,” he says. “What you’re really doing is rolling the dice with your heart.”

And when a relationship ends? Daniels insists breakups aren’t failures—they’re necessary endings.

“Sometimes breakups aren’t really you doing anything,” he says. “They’re acknowledging that the relationship is broken.”

The key, he says, is to end things with empathy.

“If you’re breaking up, you want to see yourself as releasing them and you into God’s next for you both,” he says. “Do it in a way where you minimize the trauma.”

5. Jonathan Pokluda: Date With the End in Mind

Jonathan Pokluda, pastor of Harris Creek Baptist Church and author of Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed, wants young adults to stop treating dating like a hobby and start seeing it as discipleship.

“The purpose of dating is not to find someone who makes you feel good for a season—it’s to see if you’re compatible for a lifetime,” he says.

Pokluda challenges the culture of “situationships” and half-committed flings. His mantra is clarity over comfort.

“Define the relationship early, date one person at a time and don’t let fear of commitment keep you stuck,” he says. “Clarity is kindness.”

His advice doesn’t kill romance—it protects it.

“You can’t build a godly marriage on confusion,” he says. “Intentionality is attractive.”

Love doesn’t just happen—it’s built, one decision at a time. It’s learning to be honest when it’s easier to impress, to pause when the world tells you to rush and to choose growth even when it hurts.

The experts agree: healthy relationships don’t start with finding the right person. They start with becoming one.

Because whether you’re dating, healing or waiting for what’s next, love isn’t discovered by accident—it’s formed by intention.