5 Communication Tips For Difficult Caregiving Talks

Ask for their input. It’s not a one-way conversation, so ask how they think they are doing and what adjustments they’ve thought about. Specific questions can be helpful, such as: “Do you have any worries or concerns?” “Is taking care of the house and yard becoming challenging for you?” “Would a bit of help with some things ease your stress?” “I’m wondering what your wishes are if something should happen to you — do you have powers of attorney set up?” “When it’s time for you to hang up the keys, have you thought about other changes you’ll want to make?”

Listen, reflect and validate. Focus on listening with an open mind, then rephrase and reflect back what they have said. Have compassion for their situation and understand that change is hard for everyone. The unknown can cause fear and discomfort for all of us at any age. It’s normal to want to avoid change, so tell them that you understand their feelings of reluctance, fear, anger or hopelessness, and that you want to help make change easier for them. Sometimes people just need acknowledgment that this is hard to deal with.

5. Include key people in the conversation.

Sometimes the right people at the table can make all the difference. It may be important to include a certain family member whom they listen to, or a respected adviser such as a lawyer, doctor, faith or community leader or friend. You might even consider an objective third party like a care manager, counselor, or a family or eldercare mediator to help facilitate the conversation.

Approach these conversations with patience and realistic expectations — it might take several of them before you come to a mutual agreement and make decisions. Be open to solutions you hadn’t thought of, and make it as easy as possible for those you care for.  

For example, when we wanted Dad to stop driving, we met with his trusted doctor who brought up the subject; it was easier for Dad to absorb. Then, Dad insisted he and Mom would move to a senior community because they didn’t want to be isolated in their home. We had numerous conversations about the big move. I visited about a dozen locations (my sister joined me for several of them), then narrowed it down to three, which we took my parents to visit. We were OK with any of the three choices, so they made the final decision. Many other conversations took place about the details of that move and their care in the following years. But the bottom line was that I did my best to ensure they felt loved, supported, empowered and more in control of their lives — regardless of the decision at hand.

Amy Goyer is AARP's family and caregiving expert and author of Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving. Connect with Amy on Facebook, Twitter, in AARP's Online Community and in the AARP Facebook Family Caregivers Group.