New
My Drunken, Abusive Ex-husband Is Sleeping With My Mum – And He’s Moved In With Her
Getty
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mum is sharing her home and her bed with my abusive ex-husband.
I’m 28, Mum is 47 and my ex is 36. He was my first love.
We met when I got a Saturday job in his shop. At first, I was dazzled by his confidence and charisma.
He seemed so sure of himself and I later realised that was because he was drinking heavily all day. But we fell in love and got together when
I was just 21. We got engaged soon after.
Almost as soon as the ring was on my finger, he changed. He became critical and controlling.
He’d drink all night then wake me up for rough, nasty sex. If I said no, he’d hit me.
One evening, things got out of control. Luckily a neighbour heard my screams and intervened.
It made me realise I needed to get out for good and I left him.
I rebuilt my life, going back to college to retrain as a beautician. I still loved my ex but was determined to move on.
It helped that he moved to Spain for three years. Then I heard he was coming back and it set off a chill inside me but that was nothing compared to when a friend said she’d seen him with my mum in the pub.
I rang my mum in horror, hoping it wasn’t true. But she said she was “helping him settle back into normal life”.
A few weeks later, mum asked me over for Sunday lunch. When I arrived, my ex came swaggering downstairs, buckling his trousers and smirking at me.
They’re now living together. I’m humiliated. Everyone in my family supports the relationship — my brother says he’s a “great guy” and I need to get over my jealousy.
I’m not jealous, I’m hurt. How could Mum let a monster like him into her life?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, abuse often runs in families. You don’t talk about your childhood, but I’d guess that your father was either absent, or abusive.
You grew up thinking that inflicting pain and violence on each other was normal in relationships. You then unconsciously chose a partner who would act out that dynamic.
Your mother is also drawn to abusive men.
None of this is your fault.
Counselling would help you unpick your past and move forwards.
You can also find help through standalone.org.uk, a charity that helps people of all ages who have become estranged or disowned from family members.
It has some very helpful guides on its website.
And you should also take a look at my Abusive Partner support pack, which will show you where to find understanding help.
Even though you’re not together any more, it will help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
FEELING TIED DOWN BY NEW BABY
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE had a second chance at love, but I worry I’m blowing it as I don’t want to move in with my girlfriend and our baby.
I’m 48, my girlfriend is 31. We’ve been dating for six years. We get on well and have things in common, from our tastes in music to where we like to go on holiday. Plus, the sex is unbelievable. She makes me feel 20 again.
I live with my mum, who’s 83. I was married for 16 years, and have a teenage son who stays with me some weekends.
Everything was great at first. I’d see my girlfriend a few times during the week, look after my mum, run my business (I’m a plumber) and see my son.
My girlfriend was busy at work or often away with friends, so we had a good balance of “couple time” and independence.
But then, last summer, she got pregnant. It was unplanned. Now she’s raising our baby daughter by herself, while I drag my feet about moving in.
I’m older. I don’t want to be kept up at night by the baby. I want to look after my mum and see my girlfriend a few nights a week, like before.
When I’m at her house, everything is calm and loving. But in the evenings when I’m at home, my girlfriend sends me angry texts calling me a “bachelor”.
She says I either move in, or we finish. She’s even threatened to start going on dates with other men to test the waters.
I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: The pregnancy might have been a surprise, but you can’t keep living like you’re uncommitted. You have a responsibility towards your baby daughter and your girlfriend.
I know you’re reluctant to give up your quiet lifestyle, but something has to change.
You can’t expect your girlfriend to do everything by herself. Her angry texts when you’re not there are a sign that she’s feeling resentful, and probably a little taken for granted.
It’s time for an honest chat. There might be compromises to be made – maybe your girlfriend and your baby could move in with you and your mum?
If emotions are running high and it’s hard to talk calmly, you might be better off working with a counsellor. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.
Was I assaulted?
DEAR DEIDRE: A FEW years ago, I was in an abusive relationship. We split up but I’m still processing things that happened.
One night in particular keeps haunting me.
We were in bed together. He wanted sex, I didn’t. I kept trying to explain
I didn’t feel good, but he kept touching, stroking and nagging me until I gave in.
He had sex with me while I lay there, silently sobbing.
After he finished, he picked a fight with me and called me horrible names. It didn’t seem right, but I’m still not sure if it would actually be classed as rape because I didn’t fight him off.
Was this rape?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, from what you have described, this was rape. Even though you didn’t try to defend yourself physically, your ex still forced himself on you.
It wasn’t your fault, look at my Have You Been Raped support pack.
I also urge you to contact rapecrisis.org.uk (0808 500 2222), which can give you support and advice, even though this happened a few years ago.
FORGET HER BIG DAY
DEAR DEIDRE: I FORGAVE my wife for cheating on me. Now she has dumped me for forgetting her birthday.
I’m 36, she’s 34. We’ve been married for 14 years and have three children. We hit a rocky patch last year and while we were on a break, she slept with a guy.
I accepted her apology and we got back together.
It was her birthday last month. I completely forgot. She got increasingly grumpy all day, then just exploded and ditched me, and now she refuses to take me back.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your wife is adamant the marriage is over, I’m afraid there’s not much you can do.
While you forgave her, she is refusing to do the same. Perhaps she enjoyed last year’s break more than she let on?
You have children to consider. It’s important to continue to see them on a regular basis.
They need to know they have a dad who wants to be a part of their lives.
Read my support pack When Parents Fall Out, which explains children’s feelings and needs after a split.
Sex-help clinic
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE an overwhelming urge to sniff women’s shoes and do sexual things to them.
I’m 45 but this fetish started at quite a young age.
My mother had to wear high heels for her job in a department store.
When she got home at the end of the day, she’d kick her shoes off in her bedroom. I used to love smelling them, especially if they were still warm and pungent.
Gradually, my desires grew stronger.
Instead of just smelling her shoes, I would stroke and kiss them. Whenever I had the house to myself, I would perform sexual acts on her shoes.
When I first met my partner eight years ago, I was drawn to her feet.
On our first date she wore strappy sandals. I found myself increasingly distracted.
We’ve lived together for seven years now, and I often play with her footwear when I’m alone in the house.
Recently she asked me to take a load of her old shoes to the charity collection bin in our local supermarket.
But instead, I kept them. They’re in the boot of my car. I often drive to a deserted spot on my way home from work to enjoy the shoes before I go home.
What is wrong with me?
DEIDRE SAYS: This is actually a common fetish. To put your mind at rest, I suggest you read my support pack Fetish Worries, which will help you understand why you get so much sexual excitement from shoes.
My main concern is that this is quite a big secret to keep from your partner.
If she finds out before you tell her yourself, it could destroy much of the trust.
Why are you hiding your fetish – are you embarrassed? Or do you worry if she’ll end the relationship?
In reality, you might find that she can accept it.
With all kinds of fetishes, it can be very helpful to talk things over with a sex therapist.
You can do this with your partner or alone. You can find a qualified sex therapist through the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, cosrt.org.uk.
